It was a nice spring evening, a cold winter night, I sweltering summer day, a brisk fall late afternoon, you could take your pick. I would walk up the steps to my apartment, shuffling through the mail that seemed to arrive as late as I did. Greet the neighbor across the hall, as I anxiously tried to get my keys in the door to end this awkward, obligatory conversation sooner than later. The kitchen was the first room, and I would set the mail on the dining room table and walk either to the bedroom or living room where my girlfriend awaited me. She’d greet me with a kiss before returning to her blunt and whatever show she was watching. All them Bravo shows looked alike. She’d ask about my day, I seldom had an answer for her; work was work…the excitement of my day came from shenanigans on twitter or my commute. She’d volunteer that she hadn’t been home long, which was code for “I forgot to take something to thaw”. I didn’t want to be “where’s my dinner, woman” guy so it was a struggle to not be visibly bothered by things like this. I wasn’t that guy, she wasn’t that woman to stay and take care of house and home, but by circumstance that’s where we were. She did need to be more responsible, but I definitely needed to chill a bit. I was turning into my father. At 22.
It wasn’t where I saw myself in my early 20s, fretting about bills, working two jobs to support a pseudowife and no kids. Most of my friends still lived at home, at worst they had a cell phone to pay for. Hanging with them became a chore as well. Not much changed since we were kids, come over, chill watch tv, play video games, try and bring some girls through…except we weren’t kids anymore, I lost the desire to be up in somebody’s mama house like I don’t got all this shit at home. Post up on the block, for who for what? But, what else was there to do? Video games, just kicking back watching the game, clubbing…isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing? So why did I feel so out of place now? Have I outgrown my life? Maybe, I was the one tripping or maybe I needed to expand my circle.
Except….I don’t necessarily fit in with the older crowd as well. They’re married with kids, and running ball might be the most freedom they get all week. Trust no one plays harder than a 35 year old man who really doesn’t want to go home. Then there’s older women….well that’s another post. okay I’m lying. I ain’t writing that shit. But the constant remains the same, I’m not posting up on the block but I’m also don’t want to have to rent my nephew because YOUR party is a kids party until 9:48pm. So I’m too old for my peers, too young for the oldheads…where does that actually leave me?
Fast forward to now. I still feel a little too damn old for my own good sometimes, but I’m in a better place with it. I still get up with my round the way folks, provided there’s something going on. I’m down to hang with the old heads, provided its happy hour. My next relationship will advance at a steady pace and I won’t rush to play house. I’m free to go out where I can find myself waking up on the subway at the end of the line with a dead phone, no cabs and not a clear idea which way was home. (I’m writing this now, so clearly I didn’t die.) I can do so, with no wife and kids waiting for me, no one to explain myself to. I can spend money on Jordans if I want to, I just choose not to. I don’t think I’m “washed” but I enjoy a Friday night in. I’ll still eat pizza rolls and beer for dinner when I don’t feel like cooking, I really don’t care about other peoples kids that aren’t blood, I suck at bowling and golfing and I listen to a lot of trash music. I guess I’m not really into that old head life just yet. Except with alcohol. I left trash liquor in the 2000s.