For the most part, I would say I’m a romantic. In an age of casual hookups, long distance twitter baes, these heauxs ain’t loyal, side chicks, a ridiculously low value of black women, convenient traditionalists, fake deep memes, and calling chivalry and effort “thirst”, its increasingly harder to hold on a rather simple concept of find one woman, court her, love her, build with her, and die. I don’t consider myself a “hopeless romantic” which seems to implicate that such a quest is futile, or that it’s laden with delusion of finding your soul mate who is set at this simply unachievable standard based off books and TV. Hopeless romantics “love hard” (I abhor that expression btw) and they go all in every time only to be shattered. I’m not that extreme.
I’m also a realist. Which has also taken on a loaded meaning and suggests one who is jaded or bitter. They took a shot at love, missed and now its f ck love as staff, a label, and a muhfuggin crew. They poopoo on any semblance of romance with stats, anecdotes, surveys because if they got it wrong, it must not exist. Some realists were former romantics and that also lends credence to the idea that maybe marriage is antiquated, perhaps mutually beneficial arrangements are the way to go. Maybe as humans we just aren’t wired for monogamy. I’m not this extreme either; its hard to ignore history and math but some things just aren’t made to be quantified. People are different, exceptions can be made, we evolve, we adapt.
So I say all that to say, I fall in the middle. I believe in the possibility of true love, not necessarily a soul mate. It’s perhaps the reason that sometimes, even if everything seems good on paper, she’s just not……her. Which is one of the most frustrating things about being a romantic realist; every one is the one, until she isn’t. I’ve met incredible women over the years only to watch it go from 100 to a 0, real quick. This doesn’t feel right anymore, do I cut my losses now or keep going and hope things change? Is it fair to hold her to standard of gut feelings and projection? If she was unsure about me, wouldn’t I want to know? How would I process this information, would I try and disprove her doubts or just take my ball and go home? These thoughts run through my mind as I tell her that “this isn’t working”, I try to explain but the reason will never be good enough, I was just bored/wanted to hit/ain’t shit whatever makes this easier. And then…..back to the drawing board.
I look back on the moments I knew I was in love with someone, sometimes it was losing them in the first place, sometimes it was after a good laugh, or holding my hand, a funny look, a kiss, a gesture. At that moment, I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life but that’s where I was wrong, it’s more than a feeling (*opens Spotify cuz that song gonna be stuck in my head*) it requires work that I just expected to do itself. Even if “the one” existed, I could blow it with her like any other woman and then what? Do I get a do over? Pray for another one? Or is that it?
Hopeless romantics and realists operate on two extremes but both think that things just ARE the way they are. A hopeless romantic just expects to see their soul mate across the room and live happily ever after, the realist expects a marriage to fail, men to cheat, women to take him down. I believe that I just have to find one, and love her as hard as I can until I can’t anymore. Its not destiny, its not statistics, its just…life. And I plan to live it that way.