I remember the first time I was asked out. It was back in high school, a new transfer student who knew no better than to like my dorky ass, had asked me out to a movie or something, I was seeing someone at the time, so I……said yes. I mean, it was just a movie. After the movie on the way home talked she finally asked what was actually happening here, I told her I liked hanging out with her but I was “in love” with my girlfriend. She was crushed. I was crushed. I never had turned down (for what) anyone before. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. I was always the guy getting rejected now here I was on the wrong side of a curve. How did other people do this routinely? I couldn’t get used to it.
Still not used to it.
When we talk about unrequited love, its often from the perspective of the rejected, never from the one who just cant return those feelings. Perhaps its privilege, there’s not many ways to say “woe is me, these people like me and I don’t want them back, wah” without sounding full of yourself and because internet, there will usually be someone ready to humble you. Being desired is widely accepted as a positive thing; don’t overthink it and take the flattery. But I’m an avid overthinker, so when someone loves me unrequitedly (that’s a word, just don’t try and play it in Scrabble at Game Night. Also I need more friends who have game nights) I often wonder what is it I’m doing wrong? Was I leading on? What vibe is she picking up that I’m not? Why can’t I just return those feelings?
Sometimes I forced the issue in the hopes that maybe she’s just a few paces ahead but I’ll catch up. I don’t catch up. And whats worse
you put Nala in danger now that hope I gave is only going to make the ultimate rejection feel that much worse. You would think I know better, as much as I’m rejected myself, but apparently I don’t. Now she probably hates me or will eventually, its just a matter of matter of how she wishes to be perceived. As I’ve said before, the most awkward thing about rejection is toeing the line of being bitter. There’s no right/wrong side to it, on one end no one is ever obligated to love you, then on the other no one is obligated to like you. She can’t hold it against me I don’t feel the same, I can’t hold it against her that she says f*** this friendship. We can’t, but we will, because we’re human.
In a perfect world, all attraction would be mutual. I don’t want anyone to want me unless I want them.
[That reminded me of this quick sidebar: So the other day, a follower posted a picture of this girl with “smash or pass” she was the typical bathroom model, body stacked I didn’t find her face cute so per the rules i responded “pass”, somehow the girl saw past the hundreds of other thirsty responses and decided to engage me and let me know how she didn’t think I was cute either blah blah money haters that usual stuff people without actual comebacks say, never mind that I’m not the one sending pictures of myself for others to rate/judge/thirst but the fact that all her attention that morning went to discrediting my lone nay vote speaks to the idea that some people have egos that must be stroked even by people they “are in no way attracted” to.]
Anyway doe, I feel it says a lot about a person who revels in romantic interest from someone when they have no desire to do anything with it. For normal people with compassion, it’s not a pleasant feeling. Superficial crushes are a different story, we tend to harbor less guilt when we know they don’t know enough about you to actually like you. Real romantic crushes, its like you find me attractive, appreciate things about me, want to commit to me, love me with all you have….gee, thanks but no thanks. That just will never feel right to me. I don’t know how some people do it.