Dear Open Letter Writers,
This is the part where I act as though I don’t really know who you are, it makes me feel self important even though I’m obviously moved enough to write an open letter. Now, allow me to qualify myself by saying as a blogger, I really get the need for lazy writing I truly do, but these open letters, well, they need to cease. I don’t understand when these Marge Simpson manifestos became such a writing staple, but writing letters to celebrities you’ll never meet is weird, and lame. As for you Dom Lemons of the world, calling out black people is not brave or new; you arent Martin Luther King Jr writing from Birmingham Jail, you are writing on a smartphone on the toilet…..please be seated….way in the back.
Let’s stop pretending you’re doing this for your kids, real or imagined, or for the better of your people. You’re doing this for hits, buzz and e-pats on the back. Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus aren’t corrupting your child, her TV in the bedroom, iPhone, iPad and friends you don’t take any interest in are. Open letter parents, you were kids right? Now looking back were the pop culture staples the reason you acted out, skipped class, kissed classmates? Perhaps you’re parents should’ve wrote strongly worded letters. Of course, without the internet it would be even more likely no one of whom it was intended would give a f ck, so maybe they could just read it to a bunch of people who agree, well, like you do now.
Oh by the way, stop acting as though you don’t know what you’re going to say in this letter prepped for public consumption. As someone who himself can qualify himself as an author of a half written open letter I can say that I know exactly where I’m going with this and if a thought did come to me I wouldn’t have to say Oh and another thing, because no one ever implied I was finished, because its a damn letter, who are these people playing the wrap it up music in your head. You should probably get that checked out.
So open letter writers, I must ask, whats the point of this Are you expecting a response, do you really plan to go back and forth with Beyonce like Ta-Nehisi Coates and Jonathan Chait? Do you get a purple heart for the bravery it takes to take a stand against no one in front of your readers? How many E! True Hollywood Stories and Behind The Musics have you watched where the person’s life changed for the better because they read a thinkpiece? Why do you end letters with rhetorical questions? Is it because no one will answer these questions so by default you win? Anyway, even though I wasted my own time writing this letter, its time to be cool and nonchalant again. DO YOU(did you really think I wasnt going to have pointless caps like I’m Tweet Mill) open letter writers, get them likes.
I’m just saying.