Editors Note:A fitting repost….*sigh*
They say addiction is something almost uncontrollable, a feeling that engulfs your thought process as you put a short term rush ahead of long term consequences. Personally, I don’t believe much in “addictions”, we are in control of our own lives. Nevertheless I have alcoholics and drug addicts in my family who would protest otherwise. Whatever. That’s not where I’m going with this one, at least not today. As I said, I don’t believe in addictions per se, however I do believe plenty of people put that short term goal ahead of long term ones. The short term is amazing, yet brief, you never quite have enough and that’s what keeps you calling back. By that logic, can one be addicted to love. Can I?
It’s weird to put myself and addiction in the same sentence seeing as I don’t smoke, will be shocked if I’m still drinking beyond 30 years old, and no matter how much of a sports expert I think I am, I hate gambling. However, I’m quite fond of love, fond of courting, fond of infatuating (is that a word, I don’t think so, y’all get the point). The first woman not related to me that said I love you, was lying. She said it cause I said it, I said it because that’s what kids in high school do when they date someone for a while, Cory Matthews taught me. It was unearned basically. I wanted her to love me, but it was something I couldn’t control. She loved having a boyfriend, loved ending phone calls with the line, she didn’t love me. Initially I thought it was me. I simply wasn’t worthy of love. And so I begun to emulate those who I felt were, namely my golden tongued father. Now years later I find myself with a pocket full of hearts I don’t want. How did I get here?
Well I wanted each and every one at one point, and would be damned if I didn’t get them. Sex was an added bonus, I wanted her love. To go from a stranger, a classmate, an acquaintance to someone she loved, THAT was the penultimate goal, the high, if you will. I too was smitten, sometimes (4 by my count), but often I look back and see I was perhaps more into the chase, the capture, the victory. It wasn’t that I deceived Intentionally but simply…lost the spark. Only to have it reignited by a new possibility. Each time hoping this time will be the last time, like Whip Whittaker cleaning out the farm (sidebar “Flight” was awesome, Denzel nailed it). Perhaps that is what qualifies me as an “addict” but if the “high” happens to be falling in love, the greatest feeling the human body can produce, is it still an addiction or rather pursuing happiness.
Addicts don’t care about lives they ruin. I do. The feeling I get when I know a relationship has run it’s course is a gut punch. Sometimes I prolong the inevitable for as long as I can, maybe I was wrong, maybe this will work, I’m not like others. Addicts put the high over whatever it takes to get it, I’d like to think I never put the idea of love over the actual person. Making one fall in love with you for no reason is a cruel joke to play on someone, no matter how amusing MTV’s “Catfish” makes it seem. I try not to stir up emotions I don’t intend to act on. My feelings are genuine, even if they fade.
A quick Google search shows that “love addiction” is an actual thing. There’s counseling and books -__-. Like I said I don’t believe in addictions, we can control our own lives. I can easily tell myself to leave well enough alone, or even just do what I’ve been doing and not getting wrapped up in the belief I owe someone a chance. Love addiction is almost an oxymoron, love is beautiful and pure, it’s only an affliction depending on who you choose to give it to. In my case, I’m falling for for the wrong ones or the wrong ones are falling for me, I’m not addicted to love, I’m just inquisitive about possibilities. Even if I’m 0/638.