*Blows dust off keyboard*
You ever just wonder what your ultimate legacy to someone is now? You break up, fall out and now you’re forever a memory, a part of their narrative, a part of their story. In 25 years I’ve met my fair share of women, now am I just a sweet guy it didn’t work out with or a narcissistic asshole. Am I even remembered at all? The things I shared with them, are they still locked away or am I now the butt of insider jokes with their homegirls. Perhaps I just over think about things. I’ve had my struggles with intimacy, feeling emotional closeness and connection with another person. Being vulnerable, open, unbridled…it didn’t come easy for me, as it doesn’t for most men. We’re taught from an early age to be competitive, that feelings are a sign of weakness and to avoid vulnerability and dependency at all costs. Women are much more intimate, well open to the possibility but when things get too real they too will shut all the way down, I just learned that the hard way. Anyway doe, why is intimacy so hard to achieve from either side, if you can’t trust them shouldn’t you be able to trust your own instincts? If you can’t trust those…then well, why not?
Well for one thing in this new era of #wecare, people are way too public about everything. This is the age of screenshotting messages, posting personal photos and if you had a bad breakup, a well executed rant has viral potential. Even as I clear my phones of contacts, messages, pictures today, it would never cross my mind to “leak” things sent to me in confidence regardless of how hurt I felt or how many subliminal messages they post. It’s hard to build intimacy when most people will betray you for a 15 minutes of internet fame. Then of course, there’s the bad history. You’ve tried to open up to someone to no avail or they simply wouldn’t open up to you and you’ve accepted it as the way it goes. You then settle on physical intimacy which is much easier to achieve. You kiss, hug, penetrate like you actually give a damn about them but then immediately after release you want to shove them off you and ask what they about to get into…not that I would…ever…do…let’s move on.
As I said I’ve had my struggles with intimacy, moreso because I found myself being the rock, but when it came down to my own needs she wasn’t there. When a man starts to look elsewhere for intimacy, well, you end up Gabrielle Unioned. I can say most men want someone they can be intimate with, which is why that old college girlfriend, or “best friend” never goes anywhere even if it’s not physical. They just want someone they can be honest with, who’s present, who they can trust, who respects their opinion, and appreciates them. In a perfect world, that person is their wife or girlfriend, in reality it’s their homegirl or they mama until someone else is ready to take that torch.
We all require intimacy in order to thrive. When we make the effort to give attention to intimacy, it’s not only our relationships that benefit but our lives in general. And as a result, so do the lives of all of the others with whom we engage. It’s a ripple effect, shut out people shut out people, intimate people are intimate to others. I’d like to think that most people I’ve encountered are more confident and trusting because I’ve always tried to be there for them. Or maybe I wasn’t, and now they can never trust anyone cuz of me, in that case, uh ooooooooh it aint my fault *Mystikal voice* (is he still out btw?)