Monthly Archives: October 2013

Today’s Word is… PRIDE


It can all be so simple…

If you’ve read long enough it’s actually something I reference quite often here, some things are simple black and white.  I miss you. I want you. I need you.  When you have that intimate connection with someone it’s easy to say, when you’re unsure no matter how much you mean it, you’re pride will tell you…nah.  Pride is a necessary evil, pride keeps you from doing things you regret, putting up with what you don’t deserve.  Pride is still an evil as far as relationships, pride will turn a disagreement into a fight, a misunderstanding into a break, a break into a what if.  There’s room for pride in a relationship but carry on only. Relationships are humbling, you’re giving your heart, loyalty and body to someone you can only trust to do the same based off their actions and your instincts.  It’s give and take, you do and hope for reciprocity, not as though that was your intent but you are both trying to make the other happy.  At least that’s how it should go, but what would I know?  #DjangoUnchose.

It comes down to priorities, and when that person is deemed worthy, they ought to better your pride and ego.  This is mistaken for dignity and self respect, but there’s a difference between getting over who should call who first and tolerating infidelity.  Swallowing pride isn’t a sign of weakness or concession, it’s saying “they’re more important than this”.  I spoke before on how I hate how dating has become about manipulation and leverage, a nice night out and spending time with a nice person is way more important than who picked up the check.  I’m pretty sure I told the story of girl who turned down a second date because she ALMOST paid for the movie, of course she reached back out years later, guess #themtraditions ain’t all what they’re cracked up to be. 

More recently, (more recently doesn’t make sense but I like how it sounds, let me cook.) I find my pride and my heart at odds.  I found myself in a situation where I just felt unappreciated with good reason.  My pride told me to count my losses. I sit up at night, wondering how did this all derail, I wake up to dismissive statuses (FYI: never ever ever follow boos on social media), maybe that’s her own ego at play, maybe it’s the truth manifesting itself. I’d like to think love is stronger than pride, that if it was real we wouldn’t find ourselves at this stalemate.  When it’s good it’s bliss, when it’s not, it’s terrible, and lately I’ve gotten a fair share of both so which is the blip which is the trend? I’m really unsure, which means apologies or shade, I can’t take her seriously anymore.

It can all be so simple…

Now have I actually let my pride ruin good things? Of course.  I let a rift with my sister go on so long it took losing our mother to get back on track, I couldn’t bring myself to forgive “Miss” for rejecting me the first time, I’ve ended relationships over the pettiest of reasons.  I understand now that sometimes my pride needs to be snatched up like Dez Bryant and told, “not now”.  Some people come along and their worth all the trouble, others maybe not.  I guess it’s a learning process to know the difference.



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Today’s Word is… HEAUX


I never got why people hate Kim Kardashian.  Now I can’t say I’m a fan of hers, I don’t watch any of those 38 reality shows, she’s just as bad of a singer as Britney Sp….*loud subway train passes*, and even from an adult de cinema perspective there was plenty to be desired.  However, I never been inclined to hate her, her fame or the empire she’s built simply off the premise that America is so muhfuggin nosy.  I felt this way well before she was ultimately linked with Kanye West beared an heir and now they’ve recently got engaged.  Even though Kanye left her because she got fat, at least that’s what the supermarket tabloid told me, also the President is a gay muslim socialist (sidebar: like how can tabloids just say, anything they want, it’s like they are fueling stupidity at alarming rates)..  Anyway, when the engagement was announced my twitter feed in true Reed Richards fashion reached as far as they could to change the narrative.  “Kim’s engaged but your babydaddy don’t even follow you”, “Golddigger jokes”, and of course “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”.  My reaction, well, I don’t care that much, Kanye got his dream girl now hopefully she can open up the doors to high fashion that he can’t so he can make another “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” and less electronic grunge frustration music. I actually love “Yeezus” I rather not get another one. 


That concludes the pop culture segment of this post, now for what I really wanted to speak on, the idea of what’s a hoe or heaux, I feel cajun.  Kim was in a couple high profile relationships, she wasn’t exactly just being passed around the industry, Hi Rihanna.  By that metric, we’re all heauxs right?  We all go through that phase where we everything at the wall (maybe a person or two…giggity) and see what sticks.  I had my phase, it makes about 65% of this blog material, being the other guy, cheating in general, dating multiple people at once, being cougar chow, FWBs, one night stands, 18-22 year old me really wasn’t sh t.  I’ve accepted that whomever I end up with will likely have a past unless Apple or Google figures out time travel. I can only hope she’s honest and forthcoming about it as I intend to be and we will move on from there. 

This brings me to a long while back and a barbershop debate being had.  This guy was engaged to this woman Shaniece (she had a few nicknames i won’t repeat, i didnt know her personally “she was befo yo time youngblood”, but everyone in the hood done heard a Shaniece story, i hope she moves before her kids get older).  This guy must’ve really like their haricuts because I would’ve Riley Coopered and fought every ninja there, bro.  I would’ve got a fade and delivered one. Anyway, one of the old heads came to his defense with a story about his wife, how she too had a reputation but she grew, matured from it all, “they make the best wives, they’re humble” (the pg version of the quote, he really said something about how a certain body part in a mouth teaches humility).  Makes sense in theory, well not him per se, but the overall premise, we grown why would I be concerned with what others think or heard? 

All aren’t built like that; they let their relationships crumble do to outside noise .001% of the level Knorth by North West’s parents face.  Now, are there some trifling women you ought to run from, of course, but to be naive to think you the only one she did that to, she’s in your bed because of your incredible seduction, or everyone has some agenda is just silly.  I rather be with a woman who owns her past than the one who hides from it, acceptance is growth, aversion is hinderance.


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Today’s Word is… ABANDONMENT

Started with an email, now we here. Actually, this was an entirely different post a few days ago, what started off as a question about dating someone with abandonment issues, it became “wait….do I HAVE abandonment issues?”. I had stumbled across an old article on YourTango, “5 Ways Abandonment Issues Can Ruin Your Relationships“. I mean I’m shy, I end relationships not for what they are but more for what they won’t become, falls in love fairly hard, always courting if you read up on it, I seemingly fit the mold.  I don’t think I’m afraid of being alone or rejected, I’m alone now….kinda.  I mean yes I do need reassurance in a relationship, but who doesn’t. (Okay I think I set a record for most shameless plugs in the first 100 words of a blog post). There’s a method to my madness, when I wrote each of those posts they were all at different times with different mindsets, there’s times I like to write in series but I never realized how it all fits from afar. Maybe I do have abandonment issues, it would explain a lot, but so does me just knowing what I want and having limited patience for anything less because I really don’t have to. Okay, that sounded extremely cocky…let’s just go with abandonment issues for now.

Keeping things strictly on a dating front (abandonment in my life as a whole is a pandora’s box i’m not even going to try and touch). There’s been plenty of times I’ve been “abandoned”, some I saw coming, others blindsided me. What probably hurt more than the actual rejection was that now I had to question my own instincts. A blog of this nature allows me do a lot of reflecting, even if I don’t actually write about it, the thoughts are there. There’s situations I think about and get upset all over again and I hate that it does. Every now and again I will have baby blues and will think about what could’ve been with “Her”, I’ll tell “Dessi” something and I’m quickly reminded of the only 2 people I had shared that with previously. My relationships have ended much sooner now than in the past, maybe that’s good I’m not wasting time or maybe I’m becoming too jaded. I want to go into each new situation clear minded but I can’t help but notice trends. You can’t unsee red flags.

I can become blind to them when feelings overcome instincts. Smart enough to know better, too open to give a fuck. I wanted to be with “Ms” so badly I overlooked the 29482 reasons why it was not going to work, and when it didn’t what was worse than the actual falling out was that I let myself down. That carried over to “Miss” so at the first sign of trouble I bailed. Then I realized I was being too closed off so when “Special” came around I put back on the blinders and got burned again. Now, I find myself in a new situation unsure how to play it, there’s unbelievable chemistry but there’s obvious setbacks, even coworkers can tell if we’re on good or bad terms because my mood is that impacted….and that terrifies me.

So maybe I might have a slight, mild, moderate case of abandonment issues. If you’ve read this blog enough, you should know I really really suck at this whole love thing. I’m the Matt Schaub of this here. So of course I’m guarded, perhaps I overthink, maybe I’m in my own way. I’ve at least come to know what it is I want and I’m not abandoning that pursuit.


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Today’s Word is… CONFIDENCE

So I’m on the train, I sit across from this very attractive woman, we make eye contact, we smile, she goes back to whatever she was doing on her phone. I do the same.  Next stop, this guy boards, an slightly older gentleman, unshaven, clothes desheveled, shoes filthy, he sits next to the pretty woman.  It’s a relatively empty train so I knew he was about rap to her, I turn my music down some to eavesdrop on some hilarity.  He starts off smooth, compliments her and whatnot, she smiles and thanks him.  He keeps talking to her about any and everything from her phone, to his ex, something about a fish, she’s politely nodding while he spoke and giving one word answers to every question but somehow he would manage to use it to keep the conversation flowing. Me and her exchange a few funny glances throughout the ordeal until she reached her stop, he pulls out a pen and a notepad, writes his number and @ name (Sidenote:are we at that phase now where we just giving out @ names, my twitter is pretty easy to remember no underscores or intentionally misspelled words, maybe dude is on to something) gives it to her, she rolls her eyes and smirks at me once more before she exits. 

Two things here, 1. I missed like 38947 signals, 2. I couldn’t help but admire homeboy’s confidence. Whether she actually uses that number or @ name or not, desheveled and all, he was able to approach an attractive woman and just have off the whim convo.  I could never do that.  It’s classic extrovert envy, while I’m still coming into my own and trying to be more confident, I don’t think I will ever be that brave.  My level of extrovertise (Yes I just made this word up) is based on my comfort level, if I’m comfortable I’m as open as if I was drunk. I never felt comfortable in high school, I was pretty popular in college. At work, some people I will go out with afterwards, others wouldn’t even recognize my voice. I rather shut myself down than play myself. 

Initially overhearing the train convo, I was embarrassed for dude.  I thought he was making a fool out of himself, she was not interested.  When I first saw her, even after she smiled, I saw her pull out her phone and I just took that as a sign. It can all be so simple in hindsight, I could’ve just broke the 4th wall and joined in the conversation, but even in a random chat between strangers on a train, i just felt uninvited. Before he even boards, if I had just went for it, this is a completely different post.  The life and times of an introvert, Welp. 



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Today’s Word is… WRITER

So I’m on Twitter and I see there’s a buzz about a post on the Thought Catalog, “Date a Girl Who Writes“. My initial reaction, the post was of course excellently written, it was quite an enticing sales pitch, but no. I forgot how many writers I follow on Twitter so they was not about to let that fly by without an explanation. So I thought carefully about my answer, the tweet appropriate answer

“over thinks situations, struggles with discretion, writing becomes the escape im supposed to be”

But wait, that’s me. I don’t really consider myself a writer, per se, I have this blog but most of my posts are long winded rants and stories. I don’t consider this “writing”, this is expressing. However, I couldn’t help but wonder, have I become the undateable writer?

Let’s start with my original reasons. Overthinking (overthink is a word, if twerking can make a dictionary, I have faith in overthink and conversate, damn you red squiggle lines, let me be great) is definitely an issue of mines.
“Do I love her or the idea of her”
“Is this someone I want to be with forever”
“the 29084573 ways XYZ can go wrong”
I get in my own head probably way too much for my own or any future loves’ liking. I trust my instincts and a good 6/10 I have doubts about something they prove to be true but as someone who’s written about how there’s too much over thinking and strategizing in dating, I too probably do too much overthinking and strategizing in dating. I question the logic sometimes but it’s human nature to preserve our feelings as much as possible. If I dated a writer, I would wish she would leave her theories and projections at home and just enjoy the ride. However, even I can’t. How will I find love now when I’m thinking about months down the line.

Discretion, again, an issue. I do my best to tell my story without throwing others under the bus and I never promote my blog anywhere that people who I talk about would see it. Of course, the ones who have read it, just about everyone feels some type of way about it. I don’t think I shade any exes or family members, I tell stories in my own voice. There’s a difference between “this b tch aborted our child and I couldn’t even get a text” and reflecting on how I felt going through a crossroads point in my life. Point being, I’m not out here tryna be the black male Taylor Swift. But of course, I know how I feel when i read subliminal statuses and tweets, it annoys me when exes aren’t accountable or still cry victim to others. Right or wrong, no one wants to read anything even remotely critical about them. I hope one day you will read about me falling in love, making the transition from bachelor to husband, dater to….dad? But before I hop out of the window, what if this never happens because this hypothetical she didn’t like a post? What if it comes down to her or the writing (Spoiler alert, I’ll probably choose her)

Writing is a mistress. It knows all your dirty secrets, thoughts feelings and desires. You can read all 150? (I lost count) of my posts and probably get a better understanding of me than women who’ve dated me for months. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone about it, it’s easier to just #tweetthruit or write a 600 word post, I don’t need comments, likes or emails, I’m just getting it all out. If I did date a writer, I would hate to read a post about how she felt when she didn’t want to talk to me about it. I would never want to be just another reader or follower, I want to be her peace. I assume she would want to be mine. I just said that if it ever came to love vs writing, I would choose love, I just hope I would never have to make that choice. I guess my fear is that I would fall in love with someone who would pick writing, or maybe I’m overthinking it (And that ladies and gentlemen, is a full circle).

Find a girl who writes because you deserve someone who will motivate you and humble you each and every day.

I agree with this line from the original post. All in all, I wouldn’t say a writer is a dealbreaker, it just takes some…patience to love one. I wouldn’t say my “writing” actually makes me undateable, it’s the 389750 other things. I too require some patience, some understanding, some will to love. It’s well worth it though, I’m awesome.


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Today’s Word is… STAN

Feel like this post is probably going to rub people the wrong way…..Sorry.

So on one of my rare visits to Facebook, I see a friend posts a video to Britney Spears new video, with the title “Britney’s back…BOW DOWN BITCHES”.  So I see some Beyonce fans not take to kindly to that and they respond on the status.  The feed gets really heated and I eat my popcorn and scroll.  I actually had popcorn, what were the odds?  I text the friend “I warned you about the swarm of them killa Beys lol”. She turns on me, “don’t you start defending that shoplifters belly having ass bitch”.  Me and her have had this debate in the past, I’m not necessarily a Beyonce stan, hell a fan even, but speaking talent wise Britney doesn’t even hold a candle.  When me and her had those back and forths it was always friendly fire, no love lost.  Although I was right, I knew to leave it alone after a while. Besides, you don’t win with stans. Ever.  They turn up their emotions to levels unknown and I’m just not prepared to go to that level for a celebrity crush, that’s how you end up with grays in your beard and receding hairlines.  Stans are something else, yo.

I’m a passionate guy, but I can’t say I stan for anything.  Stans are wired differently, I’m more of a spirited debater who comes armed with facts.  I’m a huge Kanye West fan, I’ll defend any album in his catalog but I’m not going to defend leather skirts and temper tanturms because high fashion won’t let him be great.  I think Tom Brady is the best QB in football ( > Peyton) but he underthrew Wes Welker in the Super Bowl.  Of course, even said debates would have to be brought up to me, I’m not searching Twitter and Youtube for opposite opinions just to argue, I like what I like, I think what I think, you’re free to be wrong on your own.  I’m not a missionary. 

Those are probably the worst stans, the ones who try to convert you on some Jehovah Twitnesses steez.  The perfect example are Scandal stans, Standals, Gladiators or whatever else they called who swear Olivia is the pope.  “Dessiner” suggested I watch, I was like “..nah.” she welped and we moved on.  That’s why she’s awesome”.  A friend from work made same inquiry, it became a long drawn out conversation that went from me not finding a TV show appealing to being a man who cant support a show that has a woman lead, interracial couple, and that I can’t keep up with what I personally see is a very dumbed down “political” storyline. K.

Stans are loyal, devoted, forgiving, you’d think they’d be perfect mates, right?  If she can forgive Chris Brown and pretend he can rap, there’s hope for the common man right? Noap.  Stans are also irrational, overly emotional, and clearly possessive.  Most of the people I know who stan male or female are single and fill that void with *drumroll* stanning in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying things, but there’s something isnt right with investing time and energy into something that isn’t truly yours.  Allow me to correct myself, I stan for Stan. My writing, my art, my brand, my career…I will defend any post to the death (okay i’m lying some of these are….w.e). If stans put as much energy in themselves as they do defending Drake’s wack ass album, who knows where they’d be. 


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Today’s Word is… BOO

So one of my readers pointed out that I hinted at having a girlfriend in my last post.  I responded, I don’t have a girlfriend, I have a boo.  She said that’s pretty much the same thing.  No, Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing, boos are different.  They’re complicated.  Boos can be crushes, workplace flirts, someone in that relationship limbo phase, just an old flame that never quite extinguished.  Moreorless it’s anyone you have no real obligation to care about but the feelings ain’t get the memo. Feelings ruin evrything.  Boos can be fun when there’s minimal emotional investment and you just enjoy their company. Boos can be irritating because as long as they’re Django Unclaimed you can’t tell them nothing even though they say and do things that rub you the wrong way sometimes. Alas, It ain’t for everybody (c) Jigga. 

Hell, it ain’t even for me, nevertheless boos happen and when they do there’s simple guidelines to keep yourself sane and stop you from going on long winded text rants she’s just gonna screenshot and make fun of you to other people about, or get hit with that painful reminder that she’s nachos.          

Keep Calm and Get Your Life, Boo: I know I’m a frustrating boo, some days to no ones fault I just do not want to be bothered.  Yes I will tweet about something I find more interesting than your “wyd” text, I will ignore your call because I’m playing crunk music at ignorant levels, some afternoons I’d much rather plan a jewelry heist in GTA V read a good book.  Point is, my time is my time.  My boo’s time is my boo’s time. 

Do you, boo boo: Single is single.  Never expect unfledged loyalty from a boo.  Personally, I don’t get jealous so even if I do see her flirting online with some random guy, I’m not going to skim their page see if I’m more attractive, make a few snide remarks I’d keep to myself like this dude a #heyboo away from a #heymaker or make up a bunch of slander nicknames or get so irritated you be fake mad at them for like 3 hours and they aint even know it, cuz you know I don’t do jealousy.  

Boo Discretion is Advised: As I said single is single but also. Ignorance is bliss.  Unless you’re seriously considering being with someone else, I rather not know.  (Doesn’t that count now skimming her social media feeds? Look I don’t need that now.)  Inversely, don’t ask me questions you aren’t fully prepared to hear the answers to. 

Booundaries (okay, i’m reaching now but the other three had boo in it):  Boundaries are always necessary especially in a unique situation where you’re not a couple, but they aren’t exactly your tailor either, actually I love my tailor, umm not my dentist, he aint sh t.  The boundaries should be fair and realistic, don’t expect relationship priveleges in a courtship. 

Enjoy it: Enjoy it for what it is not what it isn’t yet.  Of course, it’s easier to just take that next step, but you know…..#reasons.  Boos irritate but it should never go beyond that, lifes too short to be dealing with unneeded stress, especially from someone you haven’t even committed yourself to.



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