Monthly Archives: July 2013

Today’s Word is… MARRIAGE

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, okay, it was really the midwestern United States, there was a girl, smart, beautiful, with the right amount of sass.  A honor roll student, this girl was coveted by many prestigious institutions across the country but decided to attend a local school to be closer to her ailing mother and older brothers, as the youngest child and only daughter she felt obligated to.  Her mother would pass on, and still devastated, she took the opportunity to leave the rural town in her rear view, she joined the army.  It was there she met a charming young fellow from the big city also looking for a fresh start. They dated, fell in love and were soon married.  She, 21, him 23.  They would have 5 kids (including a certain blogger) and live happily for a while after.

Fast forward 30 years, I’m out having dinner and drinks with some people and one says, “no one should be married before 30”, a majority of the table echoed that sentiment.  The person was speaking from experience, he’s 28, recently divorced from his college sweetheart.  He was speaking from perspective more than bitterness, although I can’t say I agree.  Maybe getting married while Sallie Mae is already calling you like “gimme the loot gimme the loot”, or even when you haven’t even really enjoyed being a bachelor/ette (because being single at 18 and single at 25; two completely different things), but 30?  That’s 5 years for me, if I wanted to get married before a Playstation 5 and iPhone X drops am I really setting myself up for failure?

I guess I suffer from premature maturation, because I want to get married, hell I did 2-3 years ago.  I was out with other professionals all in their late 20s/early 30s, most resigned to the fact that love is great, but marriage is about stability. They looked at things from logic and practicality, and I get where they’re coming from but I don’t get where they’re coming from.  Love don’t pay bills, love doesn’t provide for a household, love isn’t even great sex (another I disagree with but I think I need a fresh 600 words for that one), I’m very logical but I’m also a romantic, why can’t I have both?  Will too much adversity kill love?  Has marriage really been reduced to a glorified collaboration?  Yet 74% of the country still thinks gay marriage is the slap in the face.

I think about “She”, perhaps the one who was closest to getting the ring and everything that turned me off.  Irresponsible, dramatic, disrespectful, what’s love got to do with that?  I love you but I can’t conceive a child with someone who chills and smokes all day, I love you but how we gonna sign a mortgage when you maxing out credit cards on shoes, do I already have that tunnel vision?  Or maybe that balance is just necessary.  I’m a romantic realist, there’s love but then there’s the aftermath.  Fairy tales always have prince and princesses, its easy to be happily ever after when them bills already handled.  What happens when you Dwayne Wayne a wedding then you get sued for the cost of the whole thing?  Aladdin still gonna be down when Jasmine put on 50 lbs?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.

But seriously what’s more important love or stability?  I still say love, I asked others in different age ranges, most didnt answer the damn question and said both, a surprising consensus went stability.  “Dessiner”(who insisted she got a cool nickname) was team love and also like me says its simply hard to separate emotion and reality.  All them love songs about I want nothing but you, but they are millionaires already, few are about that life.  Maybe Lauryn Hill she popped a Marley and gave it all away.  Perhaps I’m still young and naive but I believe in love (also in myself that even if we aren’t loaded we won’t be like unbelievably broke).  But who knows, apparently I got 5 mo years to figure this all out.



Filed under Love, Money, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… CHILL

“Yeah it’s my birthday today”

“Oh Happy Birthday….you look pretty today what you doing later”

“Probably going out….wait aren’t I always”

“Pretti-ER I should say”

*360 windmill eye roll and goes back to work*

Reason #48592 why you can’t compliment women ever.  Women tend to look at things for what they aren’t instead of what they are.  This is especially annoying to me because I’m very blunt and direct, there’s no Da Vinci Code in my words.  People get this they just choose to not understand it.  They rather make their own conclusions and deductions like conspiracy theorists who think secret societies which have existed for millennia are manifesting themselves in Jay-Z videos.  This holds especially true in dating, or lack thereof.

Traditionally speaking, if a guy asks you out he will call you up or ask face to face (not text because they would expect an immediate answer and not have to be just watching their screen like they’re playing Final Fantasy in 1998) said girl on a date.  That is not to be confused with merely hanging out or chilling. They’re not in the same league, don’t shoot at the same basket.  Men like dating, men also like enjoying a woman’s company.  Dating, as much as it’s encouraged to be yourself you’re still dressed up, trying to put your best foot forward.  Women who come over to hang out are a lot more lax and you get better glimpses in who they are.  Yet for the most part, “chilling” just rubs some women the wrong way.  A study by the Bureau of Made Up Statistics say 73% of Women are just opposed to it.  An actual poll of mine suggested it was more 50/50.  The common reasons why she’s anti-chill

Just wants sex-  Plenty of women think hanging out is just guy speak for “you coming to get this work”.  The paranoia is instilled early that men are ruthless sexual deviants that if a woman lets her guard down for a second we shall pounce.  It ain’t that deep.

It’s not a date- We don’t rock the same clothes, hit the same spots, cuz its levels to sh*t. Word to Candy Crush Saga.  While we’re still spending time, the vibe is typically more light and casual and for some women, they’re not here for it.

He’s Just Not That Into You- Worse thing you can call a woman who is romantically interested in you, a friend.  Chilling at the crib instead of being wined, dined, hit from behind, the writing is on the wall that your role has been determined, thanks for playing.  Of course women don’t take rejection well, ironically, as they are willing to go on dates with guys they aren’t interested in but won’t subject themselves to just be friends with someone they are.  I’m sleep tho.

Alone Time?- This one I sympathize with, its always odd when you over someone’s house and there’s already like 10 people there.  Even if nothing is going down, I’ll rather it’d be me, you and at most a few others.

It’ll become a habit- If a man is interested in dating you, he will date you.  Even the brokest dude will find somewhere to take you if he’s that invested.  If you have to ask why y’all always hanging in the house and don’t go anywhere, you should know the answer.

Looking at them both for what they are and not what they aren’t, dating and chilling are both necessary.  If all you do is go out on dates, you’ll find yourself more caught up in the courting process than the person. If all you do is chill, you’ll never be taken seriously as a suitor or as the courted.  The key is finding balance.


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Today’s Word is… LOYALTY

Another handful of emails, most of which pertain to things I already wrote about.  However, there’s an underlying theme in them all.  These women and man are knock out, drag out, undeniably, frustratingly loyal.  Something, I can relate to, and to an extent, admire.  I’m a loyal guy, my best friend been my best friend since I was 5, you read here I’m constantly forgiving people.  However, me and my friends fought, literally, and go right back to normal, exes have done things that warranted no longer wanting to be in a relationship with them, but never have I just stood by and allowed myself to be cheated on or disrespected in the meantime.  Ultimately, I’m loyal to myself above all, I’m not sacrificing my own happiness for someone else.  Relationships, friendships are optional, why the hell am I going to choose to be around someone who makes me miserable?  To make them happy? Nah.

Okay, I’ll draw from one email.   A woman, around my age, dates a man who goes off to serve our country.  He comes home, struggles to adjust to his former life, while his girlfriend stands by his side just happy to have him home.  Fast forward a few months, he’s reaching out to old girlfriends, she’s finding pictures in his phone (sidebar: ladies can yall stop going through phones without warrants, thanks), and while she’s working and going to school, as he struggles to find gainful employment, his mornings and afternoons consist of being online again trolling for women without even having enough respect to browse Incognito (internet history is fair game, its her computer and he should be job searching).  He suffers from PTSD and will play that card at every opportunity, as someone who barely plays Call of Duty, I can’t possibly speak on what he’s going through. 
Her question, not how to get this dude out my house, how to confront him with all this evidence, hell even what should I do?  Rather, how to spice things up and keep his focus.  Man, where can I find me one of her?   A wife with a family she’s not trying to break up, I get, a 25 year old grad student with a live in boyfriend, not worth that sacrifice.  Again, we handcuff ourselves to loyalty.  He’s financially and emotionally dependent on her, she takes the responsibility seriously.   She’s willing to take disrespect and lies in exchange for being needed.  She devoted herself to this man while he was away, how can she walk away from him now he’s here?  What’ll make her happy is making him happy, even if its worth losing her own. 

Loyalty is an admirable trait, a desirable trait, it is also exploitable.  We all have those people who pretty much dare you to walk away, knowing you won’t.  My reader and I then talked on what she wanted in love and life, not from him but in general, and then was he providing any of that.  She knew what she had to do, and who knows if she will actually do it. 



Filed under Dating, Love

Today’s Word is… DISAPPOINTED

This just in, the news media, like many other entities is a business.  They prioritize stories on what will keep eyeballs on the screen and gain clicks online.  Of course, there’s the intent to inform the masses but let’s call it what it is.   Last spring, when the story of a cherub faced black boy being killed by a Chaz Bono lookalike nearly twice his age and size started to cause a stir online, of course the national and local media picked up on the scent.  Now if Trayvon looked more like Chief Keef would the media had been as quick to jump, probably not.  Would that had made his murder any less of a travesty, absolutely not.  What made Trayvon more unique than the unfortunately too common young black male murder.  Was that it resonated with everyone, even our President.

This case struck a chord with me on a few levels, last week I told you about an incident that occurred as a full grown man, however I was a child in a divorced household, my father lived in various suburban areas where I was not accustomed to living.  It could’ve been me or my brothers in a similar situation.  I’ve also lost more than a few friends to violence, many of those cases unsolved.  The fact that a young boy lost his life and the shooter wasn’t even arrested initially was just maddening.  THAT is why I became emotionally invested, not because I’m African American, not because the liberal media told me to care.  This resonated with me. 

Fast forward to the trial, I kept one eye on it but between the inconsistent testimony and social media ignorance, I kept my distance….until Saturday.  I watched all the testimonies ultimately leading up the verdict; not guilty.  But that wasn’t what I was primarily disappointed in, what disappointed me was the reaction.  Of course, many were merely being contrarian saying anything to rile people up and finally get some internet notoriety but what bothered me most, was being told how much to care or what else I should be caring about.  Excuse me?

I wasn’t sure there was a limit on caring.  The media is a business they will move on that doesn’t mean I have to.  I’m passionate about many causes/issues and just because I’m not posting hashtags months after the fact does not mean they are not in my thoughts/prayers/actions.  The mantra that “thing’ll never change, you don’t really care anyway” is disheartening.  That even within the African American community we act as though if we wear hoodies for Trayvon that somehow makes us numb to what goes on in our own backyards.  Supporting a loved one in prison does not mean we endorse criminal acts.  I feel what happened Saturday was pathetic and no one has the right to try and tell me to feel otherwise by implying racial bias or otherwise.  Time will pass, unfortunately a new tragedy will capture our hearts and airwaves but never will that mean Trayvon Martin will be forgotten, Troy Davis will be forgotten, Boston will be forgotten.  Far too often we handcuff ourselves to negativity, that even when we are galvanized there’s someone with an excuse to discredit.  It’s sad.


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Today’s Word is… NIGPOCRACY

It was about 2 years ago, I was walking home from working a late shift.  There’s some white guy, visibly drunk was stumbling a few feet ahead of me on my street.  He kept looking back at me, I didn’t pay him no mind. 

“You following me”

I ignore him.

“Yo whats your deal stop following me”

This time I respond “dude I’m not following you”

“All i know if i turn around again I better not see your big black face”

I keep walking, he stops and turns around, I stop and stare right back at him

“You think you’re tough nicker

It didn’t register at first, maybe I heard him wrong

“Stop following me nipple, you think you Biggie Sma-”

I hit him once, he dropped, I walked right over him and headed to my apartment.  Didn’t care who saw, didn’t care if he was still sleeping there when morning came.  This was a year before Trayvon, didn’t even think if he had anything on him.  It was just instinct, he happened to call me the n word but he could’ve called me anything and probably sparked that same reaction.  But of all words, that word, to my face, I just…reacted.   

Flash back 2 more years, I’m called a ninja by another white guy, this time the instinctive swing, a dap.  He was my friend, dare I say my nickel.  He swore he was part mexican but I doubt it, either way I wasn’t policing him.  He wasn’t disrespecting me, more likely he got it from me, or Chappelle’s Show, whatever.  He wasn’t from the hood, rock a low caesar with a bunch of tats, and damn sure wasn’t a mexican.  Just a friend who picked up on some of my lingo.  Just as my other friends did, I had a lot of nicknames and words for things back then, I was weird. 

I never felt it was my personal responsibility to check his or others usage of the word.  Just like other ignorant things we say, there’s a time and place.  It’s more or less common sense. I personally cringe when anyone tries to intelluctualize the n word, to me it’s silly.  We’re not taking the power back, going against the grain.It’s an ignorant word, a slur, a curse and really shouldn’t be used by anyone.  I say that yet I use it.  I do a lot things I know I shouldn’t.  I ain’t sh t. “Nibble” just rolls off the tongue sometimes, don’t belee me juh watch.  It’s a noun, verb, adjective, common name, it just works.  Nevertheless, I know better, I know my views are not someone elses and so as far as my own usage or even broaching this topic i tread lightly.

I just feel there’s so many more conversations to be had within the black community than the usage of one word.  Especially in light of when white celeb X says it.  Paula “I is what I is” Deen is just woefully ignorant and out of touch.  I laugh in the face of ignorance, like Simba does danger. (Seriously #pauladeensbestdishes gotta be one of the funniest social media moments ever) The issue is when said ignorance is in a position of power, which led to the discrimination and abuse that brought all of this to light in the first place, not her vocabulary.  Yet the n word is center stage again, not the dangerous views behind its inappropiate use.

Going back to years ago, as I said he could’ve called me anything.  My issue was that he took a look at a young black man in a decent area and assumed I didn’t belong.  That I was supposed to cower because of his mere presence.  It felt good to knock him out, better to pull out my keys and walk into my house.  He tried to take my power I took it right back, no word can ever do that.



Filed under Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… INVESTMENT

Been a long time. Shouldn’t left you. Without a blog post to step to.  I never liked that Aaliyah song. Anyway, over this lovely 4 day weekend I got caught up on some reader emails.  Now on most blog sites, you get an email, you open with said email, and your response is the post, but I like to discuss the issue with the reader and then post it post discussion. Triple entendre, don’t even ask me how.  I prefer this way, one it helps with the typical storytelling style of the blog, and I think conversations work so much better than just one long answer to a question. Anyway here’s the yada yada yada:

Girl meets boy online, embark on long distance relationship, for almost a year. They skype so he knows she’s no Catfish, but they havent met in person so she could smell like Catfish.  They make plans she keeps cancelling, on the latest cancellation he says he’s done, the next week gets a local girlfriend.  Girl is confused how he can move on so quickly, would like some closure on the issue.


We touched on a few things, why the cancellations, what she wants now, the elephant in the room that he got a girl in a week…but what kept turning up was the sense of entitlement she felt that after a year, he can just be done.  She felt she deserved a little more respect than that.  I can understand her view but I agree with his.  One, because as a reader she was well aware that my number one rule to long distance relationships, is no cancellations.  Long distance takes a lot of patience and hope, you lose one or both, you lost period.  He simply lost hope in her.

Sometimes you just got to know when to fold em.  He had invested a year in words and breasts on a screen, okay I don’t know how real their skype sessions got but I’m just assuming, a year you should be get to e-second base, right? Whatever.  He realized he was putting time and energy into something that wasn’t playing out how he envisioned.  He was left with two choices, keep investing and hoping it pans out, or just take you were in a year relationship and all you got was an e-shirt.  Okay, let me be a little more sensitive, hell I’m currently feeling someone who’s a wee bit out my jurisdiction, but thats another post, maybe.  

As for her she’s at that same crossroad, she’s invested a year into someone and it’s just…over?  How can he just be over it that quickly? Does he not care? Did he ever?  She wants answers, but is she owed them?  I’ve discussed “closure” before and perhaps my position evolved as i do see it as a necessary evil.  It should be simple and to the point, this won’t work because ________, don’t debate me on it, don’t ask about who I’m seeing now, take the humble pie with a glass of accountability.  To an extent, he gave her that, he told her he couldn’t take her seriously anymore.  Explaining the new girlfriend, maintaining a friendship, seeing her when he’s in town in a few months, he doesn’t owe her any of that.  Only return on this investment is a lesson learned.


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Filed under Dating, Love, Relationships