Today’s Word is… VILLAIN

“When Diddy spoke of bitchassness, he was referring to n***as like you”

A text I got from someone I cared for deeply, at one point thought I was falling in love with, my best friend.  Never mind the insult given in 2013 is so old it would be kindergartener, how do you respond to that?  I could’ve went all the way in on her, but what’s the point? I’ll just let her have that one.  The text was in response to me attempting to take the high road and telling her its clear we can’t be just friends so maybe we both need some time apart to fully heal.  I didn’t even want to do that but how was I ever going to move on if we’re still playing the will we/won’t we game.  I thought she could respect my position, though she could understand.  In her eyes, I lied to her.  She feels owed.  How dare I even think about persuing anyone else when she been waiting in line.  However, this isn’t the DMV, this isn’t the deli, I’m not obligated to be with you.  But no matter how rational my thought process is, it’s easier to make me the villain.  It’s a role I just have to accept.

“….or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”

It’s a recurring theme in my love life, I try to be a good guy, be the man of her dreams but what happens when that dream is shared by a few.  To choose one is to reject the rest, to choose all is to choose none.  It’s all about perception, I thought I was doing the mature thing rather than force her into a convenient friendship I know she doesn’t want.  She deserves more than I have to offer, I took a step back to let her see that

“Do me a favor, don’t do me no favors, I’ll handle mine”

Perhaps I should’ve went with the more common dynamic; do what I’m allowed.  It’d be her fault for letting me right? I could just play bestie knowing there’s feelings, have sex knowing there’s no relationship potential, get in a relationship knowing there’s no long term future.  I’m in pursuit of my own happiness, why do I need to worry about her feelings? I just want my friend, she’ll figure whatever it is she’s feeling out.  I mean I told her we’re just friends, I covered my bases.

But that’s just not me. That’s just not her.  I also know no one likes decisions being made for them, even if it’s the correct one.  But it was clear the friendship died a while ago.  I wasn’t sure if I was hearing a friends perspective or the voice of a scorned lover.  What I do know is…

“And if I evvv ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady’s not a friend.”

-Stan-

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