Monthly Archives: April 2013

Today’s Word is… SENSELESS

It was about 5 years ago, (wow really, I’m old.).  It’s spring break, I was way too broke to do anything but pretty much go back around my way.  We getting ready to go play ball at the local gym, dudes pull up.  Now I’ve barely been around the way in the past year, I’m not sure who these people are or what’s about to go down.  But my friends are ready to ride, so I am.  Bang first, ask questions after.  Foolish to actually type out now but then it was all I knew.  A brawl breaks out, I’m fighting and suddenly I feel myself getting slower, my punches weakening with every swing, they hear sirens, everyone starts to make their retreat, I’m trying to run, in my mind I’m going but my body isn’t.  I touch my side, I see the crimson drip off my fingers.  I try to run to help I collapse.

Fading out of consciousness, thoughts pass my mind.  First, the humanity of people, two older women walking their dog, saw me and swiftly crossed the street and acted as though they didn’t.  The next, was this going to be the end of my story, promising college scholar victim of street violence.  I thought immediately of my father and my older sister, both of which I wasn’t speaking to. Would I ever again?  The last, I couldn’t go out like this, not over something so senseless, not by some coward with a pocket knife.  I hear screaming in the distance, my friend had circled back for me. 

Fast forward to yesterday, that friend is now gone.  Taken by the same senseless violence that nearly took me.  He saved my life that night, and now I can never repay that debt.  As I write this I’m almost at a loss for words. Angry at whoever did it, without going into too much detail, any others let him get into that situation, angry at myself for not being a better friend when I had the chance to.  I’m miserable, that I once again have to say goodbye to a childhood friend, miserable his baby girl will only know of him, miserable about what’s going on in society period.  We’re taking ourselves out.  I’ll never shy away from where I came from; I love my hood for everything it is, hate it for everything it isnt.  But I don’t know right now, I’m just venting.  To my friend, my brother, I’ll miss you.  I’m praying your family, I’m praying mines.

-Stan-    

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Today’s Word is… VILLAIN

“When Diddy spoke of bitchassness, he was referring to n***as like you”

A text I got from someone I cared for deeply, at one point thought I was falling in love with, my best friend.  Never mind the insult given in 2013 is so old it would be kindergartener, how do you respond to that?  I could’ve went all the way in on her, but what’s the point? I’ll just let her have that one.  The text was in response to me attempting to take the high road and telling her its clear we can’t be just friends so maybe we both need some time apart to fully heal.  I didn’t even want to do that but how was I ever going to move on if we’re still playing the will we/won’t we game.  I thought she could respect my position, though she could understand.  In her eyes, I lied to her.  She feels owed.  How dare I even think about persuing anyone else when she been waiting in line.  However, this isn’t the DMV, this isn’t the deli, I’m not obligated to be with you.  But no matter how rational my thought process is, it’s easier to make me the villain.  It’s a role I just have to accept.

“….or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”

It’s a recurring theme in my love life, I try to be a good guy, be the man of her dreams but what happens when that dream is shared by a few.  To choose one is to reject the rest, to choose all is to choose none.  It’s all about perception, I thought I was doing the mature thing rather than force her into a convenient friendship I know she doesn’t want.  She deserves more than I have to offer, I took a step back to let her see that

“Do me a favor, don’t do me no favors, I’ll handle mine”

Perhaps I should’ve went with the more common dynamic; do what I’m allowed.  It’d be her fault for letting me right? I could just play bestie knowing there’s feelings, have sex knowing there’s no relationship potential, get in a relationship knowing there’s no long term future.  I’m in pursuit of my own happiness, why do I need to worry about her feelings? I just want my friend, she’ll figure whatever it is she’s feeling out.  I mean I told her we’re just friends, I covered my bases.

But that’s just not me. That’s just not her.  I also know no one likes decisions being made for them, even if it’s the correct one.  But it was clear the friendship died a while ago.  I wasn’t sure if I was hearing a friends perspective or the voice of a scorned lover.  What I do know is…

“And if I evvv ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady’s not a friend.”

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… RESILIENCE

Editors Note: Been a few days, I certainly appreciate all whom reached out to check in on me and mines, Thank you.

April 16, 2013.  The morning after the Boston Marathon tragedy, the commute home the evening before was hectic, everyone buzzing about what just transpired, of course there’s the woefully ignorant spewing whatever half baked “facts” they felt were relevant.  However this morning was different, the reality had set in.  The train in a still, eerie silence, everyone exchanged looks, no words necessary.  This was in fact the hardest thing to do afterwards; move on with our daily lives.

I was 13 when 9/11 happened, old enough to realize what happened. I watched inshocked, I prayed, but I was perhaps still too young to process what truly happened. Virginia Tech in 2006 hit close to home, particularly because had it not been for a turn of events I would’ve been there.   Sandy Hook perhaps the most heartbreaking, so heinous, so evil, I still can’t understand it. And now this tragedy left a city, a country so predisposed to violence in complete shock.  The long quiet train ride to work pretty much embodied the spirit of us all that day.

April 20, 2013.  The morning after the capture of suspect #2 (sidebar: I wish we would stop giving some sort of fame to these people, why do most people know James Holmes but can’t name one Aurora shooting victim).  The mood was jubilant.  I was on my way to the Red Sox game, I had tickets for the game Friday night  and honestly had the game not been postponed I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway.  There was a discomfort in being in a ballpark with 37,000 people after the week we’ve had.  But Saturday afternoon, I HAD to be there.  It was an event I’d never forget, just the overall excitement from my fellow Bostonians.  Now we could really begin to move on.  The true feeling of resilience, the Sox win itself rallying from behind late a fitting metaphor.

So as I walked up Yawkey Way, once again surrounded by Bostonians, strangers yet bonded.  It wasn’t like leaving any other Sox game.  The train much more lively (granted alcohol certainly helped) than the ride on Tuesday.  So as we continue to recover and grow from this, our thoughts and prayers still on those affected and lost by this tragedy.  I can say I’ve never been more proud to be born and raised in this city.  I am Boston.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… RESUME

You ever go on a date and it just feels like a job interview?  Enter Ms. Inquisitive, who seems nice but I instantly caught a vibe she read her fair share of relationship blogs/books.  She asked questions out the blue, it was clear which statements she was making a mental note of.  She kind of reminded me of “Miss” whom I would joke has a yellow notepad just full of notes just trying to figure me out.  At the end of the evening I wasn’t sure whether to hug and kiss or shake her hand and write a thank you note.  I minds well have just handed her a resume to review.  Actually what would my dating resume look like?  Where do I stand out, what would be the things I would edit out if I ever needed to bring it down to a page? (Also who the hell determined a real resume has to be one page, I think it’s silly my font is down to size 9 now). What would I look for on someone else’s?

Contact Information: How can I reach you? Are we gonna text all day, are you ever free to date, do I have to like an instagram to get your attention? Are you one of those people who keeps getting they phone shut off and got a new number every 3 months (seriously we in our 20s now, no excuse for that). I’ve spoken already on my feelings on texting/availability.     

Objective: What are you looking for? A husband? A good time? Most people aren’t forward about what they truly want.  In a job sense you’d make the necessary concessions out of desperation and fear of having nothing at all.  In a dating sense, nothing at all isn’t as damaging as one makes it out to be.  If I’m looking for a committed relationship I’m not going to just have flings in the meantime (OK maybe, I ain’t sh t tho)  

Education: Studies suggest you should find your future spouse in college. Oops.  Although it makes sense that if you’re looking for an educated person with a promising career path, they typically are in college. Or Starbucks.  Also, what have you learned about relationships, do you still have unrealistic expectations of what a partner should be?  What did Yeezy teach you?  Unfortunately I’ve perhaps been enrolled in this school of hard knocks too long, enough to know what I want but also so much that I pretty much assume too much but maybe that’s another post entirely….moving on….

Experience: What type of people you’ve dealt with?  Are you really over that last one?  Am I coming onto a clean slate or do I have to fix the mess left to me #Obamaflow. I’ve pretty much tested all types of relationships, long distances, college sweetheart, clingy woman, emotionally unavailable woman, single parent, sidechick, sidedudes…it gives me perspective on a lot of things.  Or I take whatever I can get and not sure what I really want…..oh wait that’s my professional resume -_-.

References: I hate any statement that starts with “all men…..” It speaks not only to her small mindedness but also some lack of accountability.  In a perfect world there’s a whole bunch of perfect women and men are just having so much fun they can’t pick one, or one just isn’t quite the catch she makes herself out to be and her exes see it.  That’s where references come in.  Who can vouch for you? Not saying every ex has to be buddy buddy or still have feelings but if everyone you ever dated despises you…that’s a bad sign.

Volunteer Experience: Slight reach but ride with me. What are you doing with others you’re not committed to.  If you’re still messing with your ex/fwb etc., why would I put forth the extra effort when its clear it’s not required?  If I’m in a bunch of pseudo-relationships with other women, how can I expect her to take me seriously?  Essentially what is the incentive to dating you exclusively? 

Ms. Inquisitive seemed to like what she heard enough to want to see me again.  Ultimately, I declined.  Nothing against her, okay maybe a little against her, she had her share of dealbreakers that may or may not come up in another post. But regardless of that, I’m ready to hand my resume in to one employer in particular. 

-Stan-  
          
 

         

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Today’s Word is… CORNBALL

There’s some things you just don’t say out loud.  No matter how much you try to intellectualize it it just sounds wrong.  Former ESPN anchor Rob Parker can attest to that.  However, we still live in a society where people have no qualms about talking recklessly, typically behind the guise of “keeping it real” or #imjustsaying.  But before the anonymity of the internet, there was the original hall pass to have loose lips, alcohol.  From the dawn of time, alcohol has compelled people to say the wrong sh t at the wrong time.  Sometimes, makes you speak from heart albeit incoherently.  Overall, it makes you give no fux about anything.  Hakuna Mutata.

Easter Sunday, 2013, now the last time we all came together was on Christmas, in “Debate” where the spotlight and furor of a bunch of drunken, unfiltered women was directed at me.  This time I was safe.  Instead, the bullseye was aimed directly at my cousin.  Who after a breakup with HIS girlfriend everyone typically liked, he’s been recently dating on the other end of the melanin scale.  Now my family is racist or prejudice by any stretch of the imagination but being primarily single black women there’s an unspoken level of discomfort when it comes to interracial relationships.  They made their sarcastic comments and jokes, I admit I chuckled at one about missing that MSG in his life or something like that.  But it brought me back to my own post a while back on interracial dating.  Why is it that some black women are so uncomfortable with a black man and a white woman.

My cousin isn’t officially done with dating within his race (okay maybe he is but he’s my age I don’t even know what the hell I’ma be doing years now, let alone who) and I spoke on brothers who feel like they date outside their race as some sort of misguided spite tactic.  Wacka Flocka Flame said in an interview “black girls out of style”, but again if there is someone who’s words you should never ever listen to it is Wacka Flocka Flame (yes I say the whole name to emphasize the ridiculous of his moniker, also what’s dumb about his comment is black women is his primary fan base because he’s a light skinned ninja with tats and dreads). Actually, if I date outside my race, I don’t intend to date another black woman (because I would expect my next girlfriend to be my last one, I mean isn’t that the point n sh t….fooled ya didn’t I).   But seriously, as I’ve alluded to before I date whomever is attractive, available and interested.  I’m not trying to spite the sista that played me (and if you’ve been reading long enough you know I’ve caught some ugly L’s)  but why the discomfort in the first place?

To be honest I think it comes from a place that’s beyond race.  Women hate men being attracted to anything that isn’t them.  Natural hair vs Weave, black vs white, big vs skinny, freaks vs prudes….there’s plenty of drummed up rivalries in the dating world.  Men are naturally competitive but I don’t think I’m too concerned with who the next woman is interested in.  Trying to fault a woman for not going for the fat, black, cuddly as ever type is just…petty.  I minds well make a song about a girl I hit “first” 7 years ago.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BEAUTIFUL

A lil while back I spoke on what’s sexy.  I said sexy is moreorless ignited by desire.  That it’s relative, what may not be my cup of tea is surely someone else’s.  The same can go for beauty, the media can use metrics like facial symmetry, hip/waist ratios, culture standards but again it’s relative, what I find beautiful may differ.  To me, beautiful is ignited by admiration, beauty is to be enjoyed.  The difference between sexy and beautiful is simple, when I see you is it I want her, or just wow.   Whether it’s a sunset, Charlize Theoron, or a mother singing to her child, true beauty catches you by surprise. When I call a woman beautiful I’m not just kicking game (okay maybe a lil) and  collecting brownie points, it’s because I genuinely feel so.   However, I said I need to cut down on my usage, while I may find them so, they are not quite it. 

Aesthetically speaking I find simplicity beautiful.  While as an artist I can appreciatewell done makeup, natural beauty is what gets me. I’ll take the casually laughing girl over the dark shades duckfacing one.  I find eyes beautiful, smiles, dimples.  They just are what they are, simple. Where she’s free to not be as simple is her clothes. I love a woman who is well put together, a sense of style is beautiful. Not just throwing on a bunch of ironic vintage clothes she found that the thrift shop in an attempt to be unique, not just skimpy clothes (sexy maybe, beautiful no).  Its always a plus for a woman who knows how to dress to complement her features. Men aren’t exactly fashion experts but we notice if red is your color, that dress looks perfect for your frame and if you overdid that eyeshadow.

As for intrinsically, there’s beauty in humility. Confidence is good but still allow me to remind you of your beauty as well. Wholesomeness, compassion, loyalty, are beautiful.  Perhaps it’s traits one wish they possess themselves or just appreciation for the person as they are. Someone who is caring to anyone, anywhere, for no reason other than they want to.  But perhaps the most beautiful thing of all is love. 

Love is the epitome of beauty.  One who looks at me and sees things I don’t even see in myself, who feels comfortable enough to see me not all dolled up, one who is everything I desire physically and emotionally in a woman.  The most beautiful woman to me isn’t on the cover of People (maybe one day if I bag a celebrity) but to any man the most beautiful woman is the one he’s in love with.  There isn’t a Beyonce, Mila Kunis, Jill Scott or Rosa Acosta that can compare.  Her best look is the one she gives me.  The look I give her.  Wait does this mean….I’m in…D’oh

-Stan- 

     

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