Monthly Archives: January 2013

Today’s Word is… FLIRT

I’m out with a few colleagues, they’re as boring out of work as at work so I start to wander around a bit, I find myself at coat check ready to call it an evening.  On the way  out I run into a friend of mine, he’s with his own group.  I catch up with him as I get ready to leave, and a woman approaches.  She basically says her and her friends are looking for some company, so we should grab a table, recheck our coats *shot*, and  we’ll all have a drink.  Now I really only knew one guy in the group but she was cute as were 2/3 of her friends, we were all brothers in arms now.   The approacher seemed particularly interested in me, and we were definitely hitting it off then she went to the bathroom and next thing you know she was dancing with another.  Shrug life.  One of the dudes was stunned at the development was she just all over me, did I strike out that vehemently.  Honestly I was a little confused myself but I wasn’t going to play myself even in front of strangers.     In essence, I wasn’t tripping, she was just flirting as was I.  (Later I would link back up with her and exchange numbers, I might’ve just did so dude could see I don’t get played but that was more of an ego move, I really wasn’t expecting much more than mild amusement)

The other day on Twitter, I said the difference between flirting and misleading is interpretation.  Some people agreed with the assessment.  Likely shameless flirts themselves, don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  Others disagreed.  Some said it’s the intent that makes the difference.   However, intent is something you can’t control.  You never know what one’s intent truly is you can only choose how to accept it.  In a perfect world only people you would meet would be single, emotionally available, and your type.  The world isn’t perfect.   The girl from the bar could’ve truly liked me, just wanted to nab drinks for the team, or was too drunk to know what she was doing.  What I could control is how I interpreted it, I took it to be a fun night.   I guess I came a long way, because years ago I probably would’ve been blew her phone up, ready to claim her quicker than Manti Te’o.  But it’s never misleading when women do it…apparently.

but you said i was pretty

When it comes to flirting, women are Michael take your pick, Tyson, Jackson, Jordan, game six.  Men are taught to take everything with a grain of salt, don’t fall in love with strippers, all that jazz.  Men have over time developed the skills but when we do it it’s leading on or the blogosphere favorite “mixed signals”.  I’m accused of this a lot, part of it is because I’m an introvert, I pick up on vibes or lack thereof and act accordingly.  If I sense she’s into me, I’ll flirt (perhaps this does more harm than good, but completely brushing off someone because I have no romantic interest in them seems..mean *shrug*).  Also I’m one to call a spade a spade, I will kindly remind a woman who she is to me.  If you’re not the only one, just a friend, someone I don’t like in that regard, I will let you know shattering any illusion set forth by compliments and innuendos.     As I said it’s all about interpretation, my best friend is my best friend because she would never ever ever take me seriously, as I her, she could’ve had me at 16, she aint bout nothing.

Flirting is the lowest common denominator in men/women interaction, if you have nothing else to talk about, flirt, given they’re straight, attracted and not completely whipped, most likely you’ll get a response.  So how can you differentiate flirting and interest?  By acting upon it.  Communicating and not assuming, accepting a position and not spending time trying to change it.  Women who said I misled them, either didn’t come straight with their feelings, or otherwise convinced themselves I was playing games and not that I just wasn’t into them.  

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Today’s Word is… WEIGHT

I’m talking with “coworker” and she says she wants me to help her lose weight.  I personally try to steer clear of this, one because I’m in no way shape or form a weight loss expert, I lost weight but I also got A’s in Calculus, now it looks like a foreign language to me.  “I only really wanna lose like 10 lbs, just like my stomach and thighs” I’m completely uninterested at this point. “Coworker” got a sneaky hot body already so maybe this is just one of her ploys to talk to me more after her whole incident at the mixer.  But aside from that I get annoyed when people talk about losing weight and only cite certain areas.  It’s become a pet peeve of mines.  Actually a lot of things have, in regards to diet and fitness.  There’s so much misinformation out there that even a self proclaimed non expert like myself can’t help but be like wtf???

I’ve tried them all at some point. I’ve popped a Xenadrine  i’m sweating….WOO. Teas, shakes, 6 meals a day, fasting, heavy lifting, light lifting, AM workouts, PM workouts, cheat days, cheat weeks, strict clean eating, 2000 calories a day, 1400 a day…at the end of the day I’m 83 lbs lighter (Yes still I have yet to lose a pound in 2013 give or take fluctuations) and have no idea why.  I guess that’s more a testament to how really unjustifiably bad I was before. However if there was anything I’ve learned so far….

Pay for quality– I’m notoriously cheap.  I thought I could run 3 miles in my old Air Forces, homemade cleanses work as well as any one their selling, the green coffee bean extract pills on EBay are probably legit like store brand cereals, Planet Fitness is a quality gym for the price #shots.  All wrong, Well PF is cool if you find a decent one.

Accountability– No, it’s not all water weight, no muscle doesn’t weigh more than fat, and you know Damn Well that wasn’t a 400 calorie meal you ate.  These were all things I had to accept at some point.  I remember when I got under 250 you couldn’t tell me anything, next thing you know I was 265 again.  Sometimes we get in our own way.

Challenge Yourself– Even way back in the day when I went to the Y with my friends, my favorite machine was the leg press.  I had strong legs, when all else failed I would leg press 500, 600, I even had a school gym record of 900 lbs(someone would top it at 1000, he was on PEDs I’m still convinced),  I couldn’t do much else but that was where I owned.  Yet I couldn’t do proper squats or lunges.  I could do an hour on the elliptical but only jog in 2-3 minute intervals. I wasn’t pushing myself and the scale/tape showed it.  Dropping to 10 lbs in a month was cool, deadlifting 10 more lbs than I weighed that week was cooler.

And most importantly…

Results may vary– The reason I never care to give advice is because what works/doesn’t work for me might not have the same effect on someone else. For every rule of thumb one has I bet there’s 50 articles debunking it,  Running vs Jogging, whole eggs vs egg whites, strength vs cardio, short workouts vs long workouts in essence nobody really knows. Only thing that’s the consensus is watch what you eat and get off your behind. Well unless Sensa and Lipozene apparently they’re miracle burners. #moreshots

riiiiiiight

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… EXPECTATIONS

i know i know its been a while

My homegirl was complaining to me about her man, asking me what should she do.  She knows I hate giving advice and I’m only going to give a vague Yoda-fortune cookie-horoscopy answer.  The basics of it is, he’s pseudo committed to her, won’t make time for her, won’t leave them Instagram chicks alone, c’est la vie.

“So leave”
“I really like him”
“He must be great them two hours a day y’all talk”
“You’re an a**hole”
“Noted. But anyway if he makes you happy be with him and lower your expectations”
“What do you mean”

*music starts, I perform a big song and dance and by the end she gets it*

No it didn’t happen like that. if only life was like a Disney movie, they never explain ish just sing a song and it sinks in.  Instead, I explained how she was shooting 3 pointers with Dwight Howard.  She’s not a sports fan at all but at least knows Dwight Howard sucks #LOLakers.  But anyway, she didn’t agree with my premise that he’ll never amount to anything than flattery and a good time.  She thinks she can change him, make him into the perfect boyfriend but we been over that.  What we haven’t been over is the forgotten piece in most relationships: Expectations.

Never fails, ask a woman what type of man she wants, I get the same cliche, sweet, caring, funny, employed…Then I say “Sounds like me” “Oh is that right” Game. Set. Match. But she’s full of it, if everyone wanted that cliche guy nobody would be single and the relationship industry wouldn’t be skyrocketing.  Men and women are afraid to say what they truly want, because they know What’s right before them isn’t it, and that means 6 more weeks of winter. My friend knows she has no business with ol boy but what’s the alternative? The last guy she poured her heart to told her he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, his name was Stan I think, that jerk. Shrug life.

I think I have reasonable expectations, which is why I have little to no tolerance for anything but.  “Miss” pointed out I’ve been dating for 499 years now and no one has been able to fill the shoes left by “She”.  Perhaps because she raised the expectation level, there were things I tolerated from her I will not accept from the next, I’m also at a different place where I expect my next relationship to be going not where me and her were but beyond.  And well, I browsed for rings at one point.  Not to say I expect to marry my next girlfriend, that would send em running (Well not really, it’s different for men, I could probably propose to 10 women today and get at least 6 Yeses, it’s rough out here) however in reality a relationship can pretty much only end in a breakup (death included) or a marriage there’s kinda no way around it.

Expectations are like insurance no one really pays attention until something happens. We all know the basics don’t cheat, giving is better than receiving ;), communication. But what about other things ain’t nobody got time for? I feel like the key to any relationship is the initial screening process.  Finding what you truly offer, what you truly want and pursuing only that.  I almost might could know what I want now, then on the search phase.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… NETWORK

I accompany “coworker” to a mixer, the atmosphere is light, slightly upscale,  free food and wine.  In almost an instant she is lost amongst the crowd, I don’t know any one here but wine makes me talkative anyway.  I mingle amongst folks and for every flirting not flirting interaction and inquiry about me and “coworker’s” status, there was pitch after pitch.  There were even women I thought was hitting on me and boom right into the pitch.  Some were interesting and we exchanged information, others sounded as sketchy as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.  I couldn’t help but feel somewhat out of place, one contrary to my flyness I’m a dollarnaire to the core, two because I still don’t have a hustle.  Networking in general is still uncharted territory for me, I always had jobs (security, shipping, IT, bookkeeping) where I pretty much came did my job and went home.  When I worked in positions like sales and retail, I never did well because I always felt like I was bothering. Essentially I look at things as if it were me, I go into stores pretty much knowing what I want, I don’t want your credit card, I don’t want the more expensive version, I want to get in get out and get going.  At the mixer, despite there being loads of opportunity I found myself pretty much an open ear/arm candy.  I got to do better.

A few weeks into 2013, I’ve found my first resolution; grow, build and evolve my network.  When I think about it, my network now is pretty underrated. I don’t think about it much because I’m typically to myself but on a good day I see about a half dozen people I know; whether its a former colleague, ex, friend of a friend, couple that with a modest online presence I have a bit to work with.  Networking itself is the challenge, I have to get over the idea that I’m saying something worth listening to, or rather actually have something worth listening to.  This is essentially why I prefer writing, you say what you feel and it’s out there, people can choose to read it or not, but the pressure of making it worth their time is alleviated.   At the mixer, I tried to act interested even when I wasn’t, sometimes I was good at it, other times my poker face failed and I can see the defeat growing in their eyes.  Perhaps that was the INFJ in me, wanting to be that one lead they could go home and feel good about, even when I inevitably block their email.

They say the key to networking is to actually be passionate about what you’re talking about.  Perhaps that’s the missing piece.  When people ask about my job, I more or less answer it like it’s a question in school.  I like my job, but it’s not necessarily my passion, it pays my bills.  The other is simply being in ones comfort zone.  For example, I was talking to one woman in particular, she was gorgeous so she probably could’ve talked to me about Love and Hip Hop and had my undivided but actually we both clicked on the overall blahness of the venue.  I tossed out how I would love to open a bar/lounge in the neighborhood, perhaps one where a young professional of color would not stick out like a sore thumb (there were like 12 of us in a place of at least 100, we counted).  The pretty networker was an event planner, she went on and on about how she would’ve did things differently, how she might throw a similar event on her own.  “Coworker”, a little jealous, ended our meeting and echoed a sentiment “Miss” had told me before, that I had no problem talking to anyone as long as she was female, and that I needed to branch out more and get out of my comfort zone.

It wasn’t true of the 4 people I exchanged information with, she was the only female. Aside from that her theory flawed, considering it was meeting her that got me to the event which got me a few new contacts, but I just left it alone.  Not to her liking but I expanded my network, 4 people knew me that didn’t prior.  The issue now is the next step, I’m not sure how to make the relationships mutually beneficial.  Networking is more or less give and take and I’m not sure what I’m giving, or even taking, at least not yet.  For perhaps my first networking event (well not really i’ve been to others), I came away with some contacts, a couple hundred calories of wine, and an increasingly awkward relationship with a coworker.  Not bad at all.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… COURTING

Storytime boys and girls:

It was summer of 2007, I was riding around and getting it with my boy, he had to stop at the store I stayed in the car messaging away on my sidekick.  It was almost seconds later the door opened, and enters a leg, not a denimed one with Air Force ones but rather thick, auburn one; uncovered except up the thigh where her striped dress started.   She sits in the drivers seat and adjusts her dress, she peers over at me and screams.  I’m startled and I drop my phone.   “Who are you?” we both say in unison.  “This is my car” she interjects, “No this is -” I’m interrupted by a horn, it was from her actual car, same make and model parked right behind us.  She’s flustered by this awkward situation, buries her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry”, another honk from her passenger in the other car, she again fixes her dress and leaves, stopping to apologize to my boy who was walking back to the driver’s door.  “I see you Mac” my boy exclaimed.  “You bag that?” catching another glimpse of her in his mirror.  “I don’t even know what just happened”.

It’s a few weeks later, its a group of us at the mall, “yo ain’t that the girl from the store”, there she was, dressed much more conservatively, jeans and shirt, sitting at a table in the food court alone.  They pressured me to go talk to her.  “Aren’t you that carjacker?” she smiled, we talked for a bit and as I walked back I realized we didn’t even exchange numbers.  Strike 2. What I did know was she worked somewhere in the mall.   Every time I came back to the mall, I was on the lookout for her until eventually I found out where she worked. She was a cashier at the Old Navy, now just to be there when she was. Retelling the story it sounds creepy but then it made perfect sense, I don’t know what it was but I had to have her.  

She was working the register, and I think I grabbed anything and got in line.  She was hip to my game (or lack thereof).  “Hi carjacker” “Hi Stalker”. Ouch.  I asked if perhaps we can run into each other on purpose. She agreed. I finally got the girl.

Fast forward two months, I’m in a relationship with a completely different girl. There was no awkward meetings, no stalking, no persistence. I basically just got her AIM off her MySpace page, started casual convo, we hung out, enjoyed each others company next thing you know we were dating. Me and carjacker went out twice, I couldn’t get a read on her. I think there was interest, but she wasn’t exactly swooned like ol girl was. Basically I went with what was easier. Looking back, it’s pretty much set a bad precedent for my dating life, I, like plenty my age, have simply gotten lazy in art that is courting.

Writing this post made me curious about Carjacker, I found her on facebook, she messaged me her number already. It’s crazy considering the things I went through to get it just 6 years ago. The game done changed. But is it for the better or worse? Is new age courting laziness or convenient? Is there even room for the old school methods.
In an era where people are less creeped out from a random friend request than a simple approach; calling a girl and asking her out on a date is so outdated (see what I did there), I’ve spoken on texts, dates and even defining relationships before, yet I’m also guilty of texting too much, chilling in lieu of dates and even settling for unofficial exclusivity. In my defense, some women find courting silly or tacky, or they are so unaccustomed to it they don’t know how to feel. I’ve been called too nice, not aggressive enough. I’m treating her dinner and she was already down to give dessert #dontbejudgingtho. Other women who wanted me to come a little harder, depending how I felt about her I obliged or left it be.

Whether its a text or phone call, $200 date or hanging out at the house. I really think at the end of the day courting is courting. I’m expressing interest in you in hopes you will reciprocate. Sweet messages might make one swoon and another side eye. Different strokes and whatnot. All I know is if she’s someone I truly want; I’m coming with everything I got,

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CATFISH

 

I hate the channel formerly known as Music Television.  I loathe ‘Teen Mom”, the cast of Jersey Shore makes my head hurt and they have run childhood favorites like “Saved by the Bell” and “Martin” into the ground.   However, my guilty TV pleasure as of late is MTV’s Catfish.  For those who don’t know what it is about, it’s about a guy who fell in love online she turned out to be someone else now he goes around exposing otne romances to show that there’s plenty of people as dumb and naive as he was  documenting the stories of  people in passionate online relationships  as they meet their would-be soulmates in person for the first time.  What results is hilarity and embarrassment all finished off with an attempt to make sense of it all but it goes over as well as a Jerry Springer Final Thought.  It’s the dramatic irony that draws me in as I and most of my twitter followers already seem to know the truth, but we watch the star “Nev” uncover in 10 minutes what the oblivious daters could’ve done years ago.  Part of me feels it’s scripted because it’s so painfully obvious.  People can’t possibly be like this, can they?

I think besides the fact that it’s 2013 and you can videochat on your freaking cell phone, I can never be catfished because I bore too easily.  Some people on the show been in relationships for years, no meetings, no calls, just texts.  I just couldn’t deal.  I’ve said before open to a long distance relationship (okay honestly, that whole post was written with one person in mind) but I really don’t think I’m up to it.  I flirt online but aside from my e-crush (who is amazing but I’m still realistic) and maybe another one, I don’t look at it as much more than entertainment.   Even when I tried, the reality sets in. I’m craving something I can’t have.  I forget what was the fight that ultimately made me and “Ms.” call it quits, but I do know all my fight for us died when she boarded that plane.  It’s amazing how these people on Catfish are in love with projections, they have a willpower stronger than mines.

Then there’s the lie.  I’ve been a catfish before, never to the extreme of fake pictures (finding another man attractive enough to want to be him, even to meet women is suspect).  There was the time when I wasn’t sure of myself, I lied about things that didn’t matter.  It ultimately cost me someone I was really falling for, and though she felt the same it was the shattered credibility that assure we could never be together.  All the catfishes thought eventually the person could forgive and love them for them and so far they were all wrong.  I really thought she would forgive me.  I was baffled she didn’t, so much I got rude and immature about it.  Looking back at it now I can’t blame her, I can’t blame the people on the show.  Some say they come off as vain because they are primarily average looking people expecting models but it’s more the principality.  There’s also the embarrassment of being with someone who blatantly lied to you, it’s one thing if you’re Kobe Bryant, another if you’re an unemployed 30 something who pretended to be a stripper.

Its almost sad that catfishing is so common.  It’s an unfortunate market of supply and demand; people so self conscious to lie, people so desperate to believe them.  There’s just way too many alternatives for me to end up with a girlfriend across the country who can’t even sext only has facebook pictures to share or to end up with  liar who happened to be sweet while she was lying.
“Not I” said the little black boy.

-Stan-

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Today’s Word is… SINGLE

So I was talking to Ms.Wit again, she sent me a screenshot of something she was writing to another guy, asked how I would respond if a girl said that to me.  I’m weird, I like sweet, sappy gestures like that so my hypothetical response was something just as sweet and sappy, as his was an lol :).  Tough crowd.  This wasn’t the first time she brought him up or even my response to something he said or did, so I inquired why she seems to be going so hard for a guy that doesn’t seem to be into her worth it.   She talked about how he was sweet sometimes, how he made her feel, yada yada yada but she wanted more than what he was offering.  How just about every guy she dated seemed to be content with the pseudo-relationship (perhaps some shots were aimed at me, I did the Matrix tho).   She concluded her rant with a “maybe I’m just meant to be single”.  I get this a lot actually.

Of the single women I talk to regularly whether friend, relative, coworker, neighbor, they all seem to share that same sentiment.  Is there really no man worthy of all the awesomeness, what more is there to ask for?   Single males I know are typically single because A)They are already getting consistent sex, food and attention from somewhere and see no incentive to settle down

B)Women just ain’t checking for them either because physical or personality

C)They’re like me, just really particular about who they are with (often accused of being A’s or they are B’s with too high standards)

Being single gets somewhat of a bad rap these days as it’s become synonymous with promiscuity or loneliness.  I’m far from either.  I date casually but I don’t got Romney binders of women, I’ve had my share of boring Friday nights but I’m not sulking about it.  I consider myself a C, because while I’m not pressing to find a girlfriend, my feelings on casual dating have been well documented here and I ain’t that ugly.  I don’t look at being single as some sort of referendum on me, or other women I dated, nor do I wear it like a badge of honor.   It’s more of a coincidence, I happen to not be in a relationship with anyone.  Nothing more, nothing less.   It took me a while to accept that, there was a time where I kept trying to tweak things.  I was down on myself I was too fat, too black, too ugly, too broke, too nice.  Then it wasn’t me it was them…they wanted immature thugs, they wanted soft emotional dudes, they just want to be unhappy.  Then I found the first girl who liked me for me and wasn’t just looking for attention.  Lost her but still, message received and whatnot.

Basically.

Back to my conversation with Ms.Wit, she’s not as optimistic as I.  She blames herself, her choices (although she’s good for not voicing her expectations), and men in general.  She’s confused as to why not her?  As are many, thus the plethora of blogs/books/seminars trying to explain what really is just dumb luck.  Every girlfriend I ever had was a random meeting, whether in person or online.  I don’t think I ever tried, well actually I did try before, back when I was the only guy in my circle who was woefuly single and was always pressured to talk to every girl that passed, let’s just say I failed. Miserably.  Ms.Wit thinks there’s something wrong with her, there’s something men just aren’t seeing in her.  I tell her how amazing she is all she has to do is stay true to her standards and he’ll fall into her lap.  I sound full of it (seeing as I won’t date her), but I really meant it.  We all get too in our own heads sometimes, trying to fix things that needn’t. She asked what should be her next move with dude.  I personally think she can do better but I told her just do what makes you happy.  Don’t get caught up in what should and shouldn’t be at what point.  Enjoy his company but remind him he’s still only using a trial version, remind yourself you can still date around.   If you’re single, be single.  Don’t give relationship perks to friends, make him earn it. What do he think he’s me or something?

-Stan-

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