Today’s Word is… DOUBT

Or Safe III.  Whatever.

Its funny how trilogies always bring you back to the first one, no matter how epic the 2nd one is.  *Ahem* Dark Knight Rises.  As I write this I feel more closer to how I feel in August than a month ago.  Perhaps I should start to trust my gut more.  After all it was right about “Ms” and “She”.  However with “Miss” things are getting more interesting.  My gut has been telling me fall back for a while now but I keep finding myself in the same position.  How is one hardheaded with themselves, especially when they write their thoughts on a blog where they can clearly go back and see the things they told themselves not to to.  Okay I’m rambling.  Storytime.

Don’t Say You Will….unless you will

It was a while ago, Me and “She” had recently broken up. However, in an act of good faith or perhaps “boomeranging” we were still set to spend my birthday together.  She stood me up.  On my birthday. When I finally got through to her that night, she said its best if we don’t associate at all. On my birthday.  My birthday always sucks, maybe because it’s right before the summer, most people tend to shake off their cuffs at that time.  Its a couple days later, “She” wants to talk, I do her like she did me. On my birthday.  I go to dinner with “Miss”, we pull up at my apartment.  We’re talking and another car pulls up behind us, it’s “She”.  Awkward.   We leave like it’s not my fuggin house but honestly I didn’t want to even see her.   We laugh about it that night but the next day she’s pissed.  It wasn’t a good look at all for anyone involved.  But that night it was, funny how a good night sleep (or saying things out loud on a blog or to someone else) puts things in perspective.

Fast forward to about a week ago, I tell “Miss” how I felt.  Her response “I guess so, why not”.  It was good enough.  We talked through the night about us, our futures, even that awkward night.  I was happy.  Then I woke up the next day.  Did I really just pour my heart out and she respond like I asked did she want a refill?  Why am I not satisfied.  I wasn’t expecting her to run to my arms but what I just got…that wasn’t it.  Maybe she was just caught off guard.  Let me try again, “so what made you change your mind about me”.  “Nothing really”.  Again, not the answer I’m expecting.   Actually, I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Perhaps some validation that I’m more than convenient? That I’m not being settled on?  That I’m not in too deep already as you test the waters? Is this what insecurity is?  Is this whole post just going to be rhetorical questions? Let me reel it back.

Doubts are always going to exist in any potential or current relationship.  You never know exactly what’s going on in the others mind.  Being friends, maybe we know a bit more about one another than the regular suitor. We weren’t even read miranda rights but anything we said or did is being held against us. That awkward night is probably why she didn’t look at me as anything more until 2 days after I told her I was over her.  Her dating someone else in spite of my feelings, is why I’ll always feel some type of way.  Things we said as friends are constantly being referred to out of context (well not on my end, thats her steez).  I wouldn’t say its insecurity but in reality I think we both know better.  Well at least I do.  Maybe.  I think. My gut says so but I typically only listen when it’s hungry or full.

As she sings a different tune now but I can’t believe her.  I want to, but I can’t.  Its all in hindsight.  Everything about us screams boredom and convenience.  I waited months for a “sure why not”.  I’ve been that guy most of my life.  I’m over being Mr. Safe.  For real this time.

-Stan-

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