Monthly Archives: December 2012

Today’s Word is… RECAP

December 31, 2011…me and “She” decided to spend the new year together instead of going out.  We ate, drank and I remember going off about my life and how I was changing it all, me and her against the world…

10…9…8….7…6…5….4….3…2….1…

I’m still talking…

“what time is it”

“12:18”

“D’oh” *rewinds NYE special on DVR, Central time zone flow*

January 1, 2012 12:59am…10…9…8….7…6…5….4….3…2….1…

HAPPY NEW YEAR…and with that I kicked into motion my plan for the year.  Resolutions are made to be broken, plans are to be executed.

Can’t say 2012 was as epic as anticipated.  There were ups, quit the job I hated, and downs laid off by the job I quit the other one for, and up again, found a job than both previous ones.  My love life almost mirrors my employment, 2 breakups and others i had to let go.  My phone contacts are considerably lighter than last year, but my circle now is quality over quantity.   The big change was the weight loss the final tally is…..216.7 lbs, shy of my 100 lb mark, no shirtless instagrams yet but at least this summer I won’t be the guy with a shirt on in the pool.  Overall its 85.3 lost in about 39 weeks.  Speaking of 39 weeks, no little Stans in the world yet #wrapitup. Seriously.  Yeah, no kids but I still got this cat,  he’s growing on me.  Slightly.  I ain’t a cat owner tho. I’ve grown to love  this blog, thank you all for reading.  I honestly thought I’d quit by now but I’ve forgotten how therapeutic writing can be.  It was an itch I needed to scratch, who knows I might take things to another level, take on some of these freelance offers, maybe finish one of these books?  Stay tuned.

Who knows what 2013 has in store, my plan going forward is to keep growing, mind, body and soul.  Focusing on me and let the other pieces fall into place.  The career, wife, kids, wealth, network will come along the way, but they are merely pit stops as I’m in pursuit of satisfaction.

Happy New Year

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… EXCLUSIVE

Its so funny running into you…

So I run into a girl I used to talk to, we catch up for a second.  I almost forgot how much I was feeling her at some point, but for whatever reason whether it was my aversion to titles or the fact she never spoke up; we never were technically more than friends, although we were clearly involved.

“Seeing anyone?”

“nothing serious”

“Yeah, I know all too well”

She smiles and literally bites her tongue, she had more to say but she knew she already won this round.  That was one of the things I liked about her, she was a witty and sarcastic as me.  However, like me she would use it to hide real feelings and sell it really well; perhaps that’s how we ended up here.  We exchange numbers, although I’m not sure what my next move is yet, I miss her company but she wasn’t exactly the one that got away.  I hit her up that night, pick her brain.  We catch up on a lot and ultimately we come to the elephant in the room: what happened between us?

What it ultimately boiled to she wanted a relationship, I didn’t, she let me cook.  I kinda knew that already.  Why we stopped talking in general, was she felt some type of way when I actually turned around a got in a relationship (Madame).  “The better woman won :).” Still with the sarcasm.  Funny she said that as Madame was far from it.  To be honest, I never saw it as choosing one over the other.  Madame was somewhat of a whirlwind romance, I met her one day we were a couple the next.  I think had we just dated a while we would’ve never been official.  Me and “Ms.Wit” dated so long I never saw reason to be official.  So what is the ideal timeframe to actually take things from dating to exclusivity?

In my experience, its usually sooner.  Even though Madame was a flop, at the time I felt there was something there I wasn’t getting from my casual dates.  “She” we were actually friends for a while (she had a man when we met), but the second she was available to date (keyword available, not just single) I was on it.  Now I think about it most of my girlfriends we were together within the first month or two.  The times I waited, it never materialized, I already showed I ain’t sh*t got a gist of what type of relationship it would be. From there comes “friend zone”, completely cut off or forever waiting like Tim Tebow.  I trust my instincts if after months we aren’t an item there’s usually a reason why.  With Ms.Wit, there was no concrete reason perhaps because I was already getting free milk (I was like 19-20 after all).  I still was dealing with “Her”, and I was enjoying being single.  Guess you can call that poor timing.  There might’ve been something else I’m not remembering.  I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.

when is my turn?

All in all, the transition from dating to exclusivity should be a smooth one.  You should both want it, shouldn’t be an ultimatum or a “sure why not” #pewnpewn #shotsfired.  It should be a direct dialogue of expectations and feelings, not a game of chicken.  It can also mean sacrifice whether its withholding pink matter or simply walking away from it all.  Ms.Wit knew things weren’t headed where they ought, knew when to fold em, got to respect it.  Dating casually for years, ain’t nobody got time for that.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… DEBATE

Did y’all miss me or nah? Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed your holiday.  Mine’s was interesting to say the least.  It started off as most family functions do; food, alcohol and sports.  From there, the subject came on men.  My brother in law wanted no parts, opted for a store run, but its Christmas night what’s even open, he was gone before realization hit.  That left me; outnumbered and unarmed.  My sister still very pro-“She”, talked about while I’m not the worst guy in the world, like many before me, I quiver at the prospect of monogamy and commitment.  That couldn’t be farther from the truth, I’m no lady killer.  I’m all for falling in love, getting married, making big headed babies, however I’m not going to just do so with just anybody.  I had my reasons for ending things with “she”, the allure of single life was not one of them.  Enter my aunt who enjoyed the bickering and talked about how her and my father did the same.  With that, she gave my sister the ammo she needed.

 I was far too young to really grasp the details of my parents divorce, but my sister who was around 12-13 and already well wiser beyond her years knew much more.  She remembers the late night phone calls and exits, the unfamiliar perfumes, increasingly sloppy excuses. My mother did as well, yet she blinded herself to it, it was the man she ever loved since 19, the father of her 5 children, there were others after but they never stood a chance, 15 years after the divorce, her gravestone bears his name.  As my sister told her Ciroc-induced memoirs, one thing was clear, while she admires and loves my father, as a man, as a husband, she didn’t respect him.  It put things in perspective, while I never been too into her private life, I do know she has an absolute zero tolerance policy for BS.  She refused to become my mother.  With me, she fears I’m becoming that guy, but I’m not. Ironically enough, I learned from her.

No sir, not me.

I refused to be the guys she dated.  Her come correct or get corrected mantra was more than words and I remember guys standing foolishly on the doorstep wondering where they went wrong.  I remember lavish gifts on holidays by some poor soul who never really had a chance.  I remember after my first girlfriend dumped me, I was blowing up her phone trying to just hear her voice. I thought back to how my sister would hold out the phone as she laughed amongst her friends. I can’t go out like that. There are plenty of quality women out there for me to fret over a lost one.  I developed a low tolerance for BS as well.  Perhaps I gave on some too soon, others not soon enough.  Its one of those half empty/half full things I guess.

Back to last night’s debate, as she insisted I opted out too soon.  She thinks about my father who perhaps did the same, maybe he could’ve kept the band together if he so desired.  We could only speculate on what he truly wanted back then. It’s a grey area we all face, the difference between going after what you want and giving up on what you have.  Settling and accepting.  My father’s execution was poor no matter how you slice it but he at least didn’t go Tiger Woodsing, there was another woman he loved.  He had to make a choice, stick it out or pursue the new adventure.  My mother was a loyal beautiful woman so many can’t understand why he made the choice he did.  I had my choice, stick it out in my struggling relationship or just know when to fold em.  “She” is a good person, the first girlfriend my sisters really accepted as one of them, so they can’t understand why couldn’t I make it work.  They as women (who are constantly dismissing dudes, I could have fought back with that but I was drunk, my head hurt, should’ve went on the store run) see a good woman being left for no reason.  I see it as me putting myself first.  They see me as a jerk.  It’s one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t things I guess.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNATTRACTIVE

#phonemageddon

So I finished all my Christmas shopping and as luck would have it as I spent all my money, my phone breaks. Bah, humbug.  I’m now in day 3 of phonemaggeddon.  It’s been a weird few days out of the matrix but perhaps a necessary few.  I only really miss it on my daily commute but in the meantime I have books and people watching.  As I spent the passing days admiring the various pieces of eye candy that I typically miss because I’m ironically looking at pieces of eye candy on instagram,   I notice a girl.  What caught my attention was her voice, slight accent, sexy and feminine, she could read me nutritional facts all day.  Her hair auburn and wavy, probably weave but still nice.  Well put together outfit that gracefully fits her curvaceous frame, she was about to turn around…please don’t let the fantasy be kilt like a Kanye concert outfit. Soft mahogany skin….full glossed lips, dimple piercings that are so overdone these days but it fits her… and the biggest damn eyelashes you ever seen.   Like no way she could see, she must have sonar.  I never got the fake eyelash trend anyway.  Looking like Snuffleupagus.

In my last post I talked about how men typically aren’t allowed to judge women physically,  well unless it’s positive.  There’s no way to say so without sounding shallow.  Ask a man what he finds unattractive, if he’s smart he’ll stick to the basics: liars, insecure, slutty etc. I’m not that smart.  I’ve spoken extensively about what men in general and I personally find attractive but never what I’m not.  So alas my one small step for man things men find physically unattractive. Do I really need a disclaimer that I’m not speaking for all men, OK cool.

maybe shes born with it…

Excessive Makeup- like most things less is more.  Seeing a woman caked up to the extreme makes me think little girl playing dress up.  Also I grew up in a household of all natural beautiful women and makeup was a no go.  My mother rarely used anything and expected the same for her daughters

Bad Hair- Weave, perm, fro, short, long, blonde, brunette, most men don’t care as long as it’s done.

Grooming- Like bad hair we may not notice everytime it’s done but we sure will notice when it needs to be.  Never let us notice when it needs to be. That goes for eyebrows, nails, feet, body hair.

Sprays n stuff- After a certain age a man has to have a decent Cologne game and women the same.  It’s time to graduate from bath n body works and stop smelling like jolly ranchers all the time.

Clothes- It goes beyond pajamas in public, women who rock leggings like dress pants, shirts too damn small, trying so hard to look different you look a fool, a woman that can dress catches my eye over the half naked one. I’ll take the mystery box and peel off layer by layer later.

And finally fake.  Not just hair, if you got a fake bag, knockoff shoes, it just says high maintenance. Going above and beyond what is even necessary to maintain a “look”.  Girl with the eyelashes was genuinely pretty but the eyelashes just threw it all off.  Society girl from the last post would say I’m being judgmental again, maybe her eyelashes burned off saving a puppy from a burning house.  But whatever, ain’t like every girl finds average height, darkskinned, chubby dudes popping.   No one is attractive to everyone regardless what People magazine says.  Maybe Beyonce even racists got to find her dope.  What say y’all, what are your physical turnoffs don’t be all self righteous let it rip

who could not…

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… APPEARANCES

So I’m out shopping and this girl hits me up.  She happens to be out shopping as well so we naturally we came on the subject of clothes.  She talks about some stuff she bought as I her, I point out that one of the first things that attracted me to her was her sense of style, contrary to say the woman in Tweety Bird pajama pants and sneakers who just walked past.

 “So if we were gonna chill and you seen me in that what would you do”

“I would walk away like I didn’t know you

“Blah blah blah patriarchal society, objectification of women, judging people you don’t know they struggle”

“She’s in a mall shopping tho, but aside from that you’re saying roles reversed you wouldn’t look at me differently”

“Nope, I don’t judge others on appearance like you”

“Wasn’t you doing #thingsIfindattractive on Twitter the other day”

This went on for a while, she started losing and started reaching.  However, it brought up an interesting point, typically, as women are quick to nitpick and reject, men simply aren’t allowed to.  You don’t like any type of women its attributed to some sort of brainwashing or judging.  I remember on another blog, the writer made a comment about his dream women and it spiraled out of control when the Spike Lees pointed out there weren’t any sistas on the wall.  In this case, she got mad because hypothetically I would reject her if she wore pajamas and Jordans out in public.  I think the outfit wouldn’t bother me as much as the clear lack of a damn given.  We can’t read minds at the end of the day it all comes down to appearances.  Good or bad, the way others see you is the way they’ll perceive you.

This is what’s hot?

That isn’t changing.  Sure there’s plenty of people being judged unfairly but there’s also people who need to understand there’s a time and place for things.  Pajamas in public could be some sort of statement. I look at it as you probably didn’t bathe before you left your house.  I’m admittedly self conscious, I try to look my best in any setting.  Being an African American man, there’s the obvious thing about my appearance that I cannot change.  Things that are constantly reinforced, in cases like Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis.  My skin tone alone comes with its own stereotypes and judgments, at the very least I don’t need to do more add to it.  I shake my head when other black people cause scenes, I don’t know them but I feel shame.  They represent my race, whether fair or foul.  We are all judged on appearances.  Going against the grain doesn’t change much.  The idea that I wear a tie instead of a du-rag to work is somehow some sort of cultural imperialism is silly, just as the fact that if I’m take a woman out I expect her not to wear pajamas and sneakers is not me treating women as a lesser sex.

When I was 16 I dressed a certain way, I was never the toughest guy but I did look the part.  The reason I did was I wanted to come across as someone who was hood, someone who wasn’t a 4.0 student, someone you didn’t want to mess with. I told you before how that backfired ,karma karma karma karma chameleon.  Now I dress a certain way because I don’t want to perceived as anything I’m not.  They say don’t judge a book by it’s cover but when you’re in a bookstore what grabs your attention first?  In a perfect world, everyone everywhere would wear what they want without judgement, but in today’s world whether one wants to admit it or not there is a standard.  There’s casual attire then there’s lounge wear, sexy then there’s over the top slutty, your size and too damn small.  We’re all being observed, we’re all being judged, you never know who is watching so I make show I look and act accordingly.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TRAGIC

EDITORS NOTE: As I sat to write my post…I was truly at a loss of words. What to say about something so heinous, so unnecessary, so heartbreaking. However, I come across one of my favorite blogs who’s managed to get the words out I couldn’t….Today’s new Word is TRAGIC

Love Jays

27 people dead. 6 adults. 1 shooter. 20 children.

20 kids.

Twenty kids who went to school today with smiles on their faces. Twenty kids who hugged and kissed mommy or daddy goodbye and yelled “see you later”. Twenty parents who drove off to work or back home never imagining the horrific news that would follow, forever changing their lives. Twenty innocent, happy, full of life children who will never have the opportunity to understand the beauties this great life has to offer. Twenty souls who have left this Earth far too soon.

Words cannot express the brokenness my heart feels for not only the victims of this terrible tragedy, but for all Americans and parents who get the opportunity to tell their loved ones “I love you” one more time or feel the warming embrace of their child’s hug. Empathy is not strong enough to cover the emptiness and brokeness of…

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Today’s Word is… DOUBT

Or Safe III.  Whatever.

Its funny how trilogies always bring you back to the first one, no matter how epic the 2nd one is.  *Ahem* Dark Knight Rises.  As I write this I feel more closer to how I feel in August than a month ago.  Perhaps I should start to trust my gut more.  After all it was right about “Ms” and “She”.  However with “Miss” things are getting more interesting.  My gut has been telling me fall back for a while now but I keep finding myself in the same position.  How is one hardheaded with themselves, especially when they write their thoughts on a blog where they can clearly go back and see the things they told themselves not to to.  Okay I’m rambling.  Storytime.

Don’t Say You Will….unless you will

It was a while ago, Me and “She” had recently broken up. However, in an act of good faith or perhaps “boomeranging” we were still set to spend my birthday together.  She stood me up.  On my birthday. When I finally got through to her that night, she said its best if we don’t associate at all. On my birthday.  My birthday always sucks, maybe because it’s right before the summer, most people tend to shake off their cuffs at that time.  Its a couple days later, “She” wants to talk, I do her like she did me. On my birthday.  I go to dinner with “Miss”, we pull up at my apartment.  We’re talking and another car pulls up behind us, it’s “She”.  Awkward.   We leave like it’s not my fuggin house but honestly I didn’t want to even see her.   We laugh about it that night but the next day she’s pissed.  It wasn’t a good look at all for anyone involved.  But that night it was, funny how a good night sleep (or saying things out loud on a blog or to someone else) puts things in perspective.

Fast forward to about a week ago, I tell “Miss” how I felt.  Her response “I guess so, why not”.  It was good enough.  We talked through the night about us, our futures, even that awkward night.  I was happy.  Then I woke up the next day.  Did I really just pour my heart out and she respond like I asked did she want a refill?  Why am I not satisfied.  I wasn’t expecting her to run to my arms but what I just got…that wasn’t it.  Maybe she was just caught off guard.  Let me try again, “so what made you change your mind about me”.  “Nothing really”.  Again, not the answer I’m expecting.   Actually, I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Perhaps some validation that I’m more than convenient? That I’m not being settled on?  That I’m not in too deep already as you test the waters? Is this what insecurity is?  Is this whole post just going to be rhetorical questions? Let me reel it back.

Doubts are always going to exist in any potential or current relationship.  You never know exactly what’s going on in the others mind.  Being friends, maybe we know a bit more about one another than the regular suitor. We weren’t even read miranda rights but anything we said or did is being held against us. That awkward night is probably why she didn’t look at me as anything more until 2 days after I told her I was over her.  Her dating someone else in spite of my feelings, is why I’ll always feel some type of way.  Things we said as friends are constantly being referred to out of context (well not on my end, thats her steez).  I wouldn’t say its insecurity but in reality I think we both know better.  Well at least I do.  Maybe.  I think. My gut says so but I typically only listen when it’s hungry or full.

As she sings a different tune now but I can’t believe her.  I want to, but I can’t.  Its all in hindsight.  Everything about us screams boredom and convenience.  I waited months for a “sure why not”.  I’ve been that guy most of my life.  I’m over being Mr. Safe.  For real this time.

-Stan-

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