Editors Note: Struggled to title this post, I was going with Today’s Word is (STILL) Safe, Safe pt II ft Usher & Loon, Safe 2: Revenge of the Safe, S2FE, and then I changed it, but its still basically the remix baby…
I got some picture messages from my friend (umm lets call her A, i’m out of names), nothing major just her. I have no clue why she sent them to me, especially when there’s instagram and facebook, maybe it was an accident. I play it conservatively.
“Check you out”
“Thanks, (her man) doesn’t like my hair like this”
+”Looks fine to me”
“Me too, he’s just been weird lately, nothing I do matters to him anymore”
“I’m sure you’re just overreacting, he adores you”
“Adored. Now I just don’t know…you find me attractive right”
Now she knows the answer to that question. I’m attracted to her but I see her as no more than a friend. She feels the same way about me. We had an amicable split, if you could call it a split, we were friends got close and mutually decided “never mind”. But every now and again, she tests the water wondering if maybe it warmed up a bit. I said a while ago, I’m safe. Women never quite close the door on me but have little to no intention on opening it either. I’m guilty of this as well, can’t honestly say with her but with others. Despite knowing how it ends I can’t help but go back and wonder if things are different now I have a little hindsight on my side. Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result or as Einstein defined it, insanity. No Shaun T. That’s it, I’m insane. In Einstein’s sense (although i’m still skeptical about the quote, the internet isn’t always honest), not just with women but with a lot of things, I just keep expecting things to change when I know better.
3 months past since the “Safe” post (which got me in way more trouble than I thought, now I see why I should’ve kept SoFW a secret). Quick recap, I’m still in the same position I was. Well at one point they were all gone but sure enough they’re back in some capacity, like I said the door never quite closes. The real problem is why I’m still in the doorway, I know where me and “She” will lead…nowhere. She’ll never trust me, I’ll never see things her way. We differ on the importance of titles, we differ on where we would/should be at this point. Yet she isn’t going anywhere, nor am I. We’re each others safety nets but eventually we’ll both gain our balance and no longer need one.
Me and “Ms” just can’t seem to get things right, how we feel about each other is the only thing we seem to agree on. I never realize how much she reminds me of “her”, we both know better but too stubborn to admit it. We’ve argued about the same thing for 6 months now, it’s tedious, it’s annoying, and oddly enough it’s worth it. When things are going well it almost makes up for all the bull that precedes. It’s insanity at its finest. One day she’ll take an L on an issue and remember she loves me, one day I’ll live up to her expectations. One day, we will look back and say I told you so. Either that we were right about each other all along or that we were so terribly wrong.
“Miss” I never went after. Possibly I will look back and regret not going for the kiss, not going over that night, being too nice, I doubt it. With her it wasn’t about being safe, maybe for the first time I actually did something different. I was going after every pretty face that showed interest. I was doing too much. I became a love junkie, capturing any and all hearts I could find not sure what to do with them afterwards. I fell for “Miss” but enough that I had to be with her? No.
It was “A” all over again. We didn’t like each other in that way but we just tried just to try. It was a safe relationship, luckily we ended it before we got hurt. Back to today, she knew how I would answer the question, she knew how she would respond, she read this book before but in a brief moment of insanity nearly opened it again. In a brief moment of insanity I almost let her. But came to my senses. Just in time.