Monthly Archives: November 2012

Today’s Word is… POTENTIAL

[Editor’s Note: 30 posts in 30 days.  Going forward, I will go back to my regular posting schedule, which is typically whenever I feel like it.  I had fun with this challenge, there were hits and misses, personal and light, improvisations and months old drafts I finally finished.  I thank the readers new, old ones and accidental.  Wordpress for reactivating my blog, I’m not sure if you noticed but WordPress flagged my blog for TOS violations it was shut down for a day, I almost had to take my talents to Blogspot. But anyway back to your regularly scheduled program]

Women tend to date who they think that person might be, men date for who you are now.

Some of my relationships failed because I didn’t turn out to be who they wanted. Some of my relationships never got off the ground because I didn’t show I could be the person they wanted.  I never win.  Women take potential very seriously in relationships, ultimately they want the big payoff, the ring, the house, the pretty babies.  Men take potential seriously as well , we want the picture to match the person, bedroom moves to match the dance floor, the jeans in 2012 to fit in 2013. Kidding. Partially.  Part of this just comes from the courting process, men tend to sell long term while women show you what they have right now.  For example, I’m not much, but I might could almost become something later.  Currently, I flirt a lot, I’m stubborn, I make a modest living.  But I’m also educated, sweet, growing and have pretty features. 26-27 year old me is going to be a hot ticket, 24 year old me…enh not so much.  The thing is I’m open now for to any attractive woman my type with green grapes, do you take the chance now or tell me come back in 2-3 years.  Actually I’m not trying to be somebody’s build a bear boyfriend, give me some time and I’ll find you.

Nonetheless, I’ve dated women who took on the challenge of changing me to mixed results.  I’d like to think my maturity, sense of style, and communication skills came with age but I guess a little bits of each relationship rubbed off on me.  Just as I’m sure bits of me   rubbed on them.  But I can’t say I’ve ever gone into a relationship thinking if I can get her a better job, convince her to stop wearing her hair like that, teach her a thing or two about wine, get her to stop rocking sneakers (okay I have done that), I have something to work with.  Men teach their girlfriends things but it’s usually to their own benefit.

Perhaps we’re cynical, greedy or impatient, but you rarely see a man waiting for what a woman might become.   Men perhaps should explore potential more instead of going for the now, but instead we take what we can get now, if it doesn’t work, chalk it up to “poor timing”.  For example, the other day I spoke about age relationships, I didn’t mention one girl I dated I broke up with her for being too immature, we remained civil.  She’s grown to be one of my closest friends and probably someone I would date if I completely met her off the street tomorrow.  I didn’t care to stick it out with her (it was a really petty break up), honestly I didn’t care to be her friend but (she stuck around anyway), and look what we’ve become, perhaps if I wasn’t so impatient things would’ve been different.  But I don’t even look her in that light anymore.  For the most part.  I think.  She has a build a bear boyfriend herself, she’s constantly trying to push him but he’s not budging.  She’s put so much into it, she’ll be damned if she doesn’t get the payout.  Personally I think she subtly wants him to be me, or maybe I’m just full of myself.

Potential can also become addicting,  while men rather build cars, women want to build men.  Aren’t those called sons?  Anyway, women fall in love with the idea of building.  Men not so much.  Women aspire to be Michelle Obama, the gold standard of a woman pushing her man to greatness (although he was a Harvard Law student, rusted car or not, there wasn’t too much risk on him).  Men aren’t out here aspiring to be Stedman or Todd Palin (well I’ll be Stedman, #cashingout).  Some men want women to make them better, others don’t want to change.  Some women are all for growth, others are quick to tell a man to go on and find some other girl.  It starts within, really. People change when they A) see the need to B) want to for you.

When I get right I promise that we gon live it up

One should always aim to better themselves and the one they are with, but also know the limits.  They’re supporting and there’s enabling, motivating and nagging, conceding and settling.  I know people who are “holding their man down” by paying his bills and buying his clothes, others who were left because they was too controlling, and also some who are just flat out unhappy in their relationship but won’t do anything about it but cheat.  If the basis of a relationship is all about what one could be, or where it might go then it’s doomed to fail.  Potential is cool but there has to be actions that support it.  Otherwise, you’re just chasing promises and promises are pretty hard to catch.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CRY

 

So I was watching “Finding Nemo” with a boo over the weekend.

“I used to always cry at the end of this movie”

“You’re such a loser”

“Oh so you’re too tough to cry”

“Not saying that, I cry at like cry-able things, not cartoons”

“Like the Super Bowl”

“Get out my house”

I was still gentlemanly, had her text me when she got in.  But for the record during the Super Bowl I only turn my off my tv and the phone and went to bed instantly and went a whole week without watching ESPN even though I had taken that Monday and Tuesday off assuming there would be celebration and a parade, daytime TV sucks.  I ain’t cry tho.  I love my teams but I took the 2008 ALCS, 2010 NBA Finals, and Super Bowl XLII & XLVI like a man.  Why am I crying over a game, or money I didn’t care to lose or I wouldn’t have bet it anyway.  I get that from my father who was the prototypical “man up” Dad.  I remember one time I was playing Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker and he told me he had to return it to the video store.  I cried and threw a fit, he went to the store, renewed it and told me I still couldn’t play it.  I ain’t cry that time, the ban still stood tho.  My family is weird like that we’re not overly emotional, the love is assumed and expressed through insults and sarcasm.  We were like a black version of Roseanne.  I legitimately remember my father crying 3 times, when he told us about the divorce, his mother’s funeral, my mother’s funeral.  Oh and another time from laughing but it was at my expense. Dick.  He’s getting married soon, maybe I’ll see cry #5.

I’m not overly desensitized, not am I overly emotional.  Not a day goes by I don’t miss my mother, or I don’t just have a flashback and not want to break down. Yet I don’t remember crying over any of my fish, birds, gerbil, frog.  I’ll probably cry at my wedding or when I hold my first child, but I took my first break up and graduations like a champ.  I’m a sensitive person, secure with my masculinity and typically don’t give a damn what others think.  But I’m just not big on crying.  Especially publicly, if I’m moved to cry I probably don’t want to be bothered, and tears seem to bring everyone into your face.  People feel obligated to do something, like you’re going to cry all the fluid out your body if they don’t tell you it’s okay or ask you what’s wrong so you can cry all over again.  I don’t want that burden on someone else, I hate that burden on me.

I hate crying in general.  I can’t stand “The Biggest Loser” it’s like people can’t lose a pound without sobbing and telling a story.  I hate face to face breakups, I kinda root for her to get upset and storm off, I chase her but she’s defiant, I’ll give her her space.  Instead I tend to get the ones that rather sit there and cry in my face.  It’s like I wiped your tears, I apologized, I said let’s be friends, stop crying? I don’t know. I’m weird.  Plus, she cried over everything, she cried all the same over her hair not being done.  There’s a credibility factor.  She had none. If I cry in front of a woman, it must be for something real. I’m showing you a side of me most don’t see, it’s a touching moment, now how touching is that moment going to be if you seen it at the end of Toy Story 3. I’m sure most women would love a sensitive man, but a macho one who only has a soft spot with her…that wins easily.

Something was in my eye tho.

-Stan-

 

 

 

 

 

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Today’s Word is… UNDERRATED

Soul.

I have 6078 songs on iTunes. Cool story, Stan.  It’s a random collection of mixtapes, albums, and songs other people downloaded to put on their phones but never deleted (I find that extremely rude by the way, its like using someones bathroom and not flushing).  With over 6000 songs it’s hard to pick one to just listen to randomly, so I usually just throw on shuffle and let iTunes figure it out for me.  So as I listen to music go from rock, to dancehall, to rap, to pop, my ears perk up when I hear one song.  It’s untitled (another pet peeve of mines, i have my itunes organized then people download randomness and throws it off), it’s a guy sounds like Dwele, I whip out my phone and shazam it, it is Dwele, I actually had the song already so she had no reason to download it -__-.  But anyway it got me into a soul vibe, lyricism, smooth instrumentals, powerful voices…no fist pumping, no Skrillex, no enhanced vocals. Soul is such an underrated genre.

Like with my overrated post, when I say underrated I’m not saying that other people don’t like it or that it’s even that great. But like neo-soul music, it doesn’t get as much credit as it ought.

Skinny Women- It’s almost a double standard skinny women are often vilified for simply being skinny. While I can say I typically go for thicker women, I wouldn’t say they are the end all be all. Skinny women need love too. Just keep that stomach flat tho, no need for 6 pack abs. Bleh.

Phone Calls- Something about actually calling someone and hearing their voice that seems much more personal.  Texting is too synonymous with multitasking very rarely am I sitting and waiting for your message, I’m probably doing something else (or talking to someone else).  Skype is fun but i get tired of staring at your cleavage the screen and its not like i can look away you’re watching me.

Drawing- Before silly tee shirts, and muttering funny one liners, drawing was my way to meet girls.  Even in college when everyone had out laptops pretending to take notes, I would sit next to a cute girl and doodle away and wait for her to notice.  Now in an era where pencil and paper are becoming endangered species, I still will find time to draw.  Speaking of, this 30 in 30 blog challenge completely took over my #sketchbooksundays on Instagram.

Guess I’m a dog then…cuz…umm…

Stretching- It’s not just a way for women to be subtly sexy, it’s important for everyone to stretch. It’s amazing how many times you go to the gym, see a guy bench press 300 then need the wall to support him as he kneels to tie his sneaker.  I might not lay out a mat and do yoga but I do stretch all the time, throughout the workday and at the gym.

Tap Water- I go to the grocery store and buy two cases of water every month (and Mitt Romney smirk if they forget to ring it) but even then when I run out I turn to good ol tap water.  It kills me how many people act too good for tap water like they don’t bathe, brush their teeth and make ice with it.

Bob’s Burgers- Easily the funniest show on Fox Sunday, well besides when the Cowboys are playing (shots shots…shots shots shots…shots)

Student Discounts- I will continue to use any and all student discounts until I look too damn old to get away with it.  I still want to enroll in a school this month and claim it on my taxes.  HOPE credit for the muhfuggin win!!!!

QWERTY keyboards- I’ve been eligible for an upgrade since July (yes my longest relationships are now Facebook (6 yrs), Twitter (2.5 years) and Sprint (2 years) tragic) but I wont use it because there’s absolutely no new phones with a keyboard.  I own a tablet, I don’t need a mini etch and sketch sized phone to watch movies on and draw clown hair on LeBron’s picture. And Text to Speech isnt as great as you think, I can’t tell my phone to play Kanye West because Google keeps putting Conyay

Anything Handwritten- I drew up a concept for my tattoo; its centered around my mother’s actual signature (i actually revealed this at Thanksgiving now my sister wants it, we gon have problems).  What’s more artistic that something written from your own hand, especially in this Matrix age where they don’t even teach cursive anymore so I feel my whole 2nd grade education was a sham.  When “Ms” had her internship in Thailand (before we crashed and burned) I suggested we write each other as well, it seemed more personal than a gmail or a skype.  Letters are not just for soldiers and convicts.

Dry Cleaners- I love my local dry cleaners.  It’s pretty much my favorite thing about the town besides the ice cream parlor. I take my coats in before the winter, my track jackets and hoodies before the spring.  They come out looking as good as new.  When I need something tailored, I do my laundry and a stain didn’t get out to my liking, or I just need to know my new jacket size, I go to my cleaners.  I swear I’ma buy that place.

Honorable Mentions: Blog comments, Books, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, dating single mothers, Ciara, egg yolks, fitness walking, sweaters, cats, 12pm dates, Facebook (yes facebook), Fabolous, thrift stores, the fact that while rappers steadily pushing failed clothing lines and record labels, Dr. Dre made $110M off headphones

What I miss? Sound off below?

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… LOVE

Ouch tho.

I can count on one hand the number of times I been in love, well at least my interpretation  of it. Five times with one I’m still not sure about so it really makes 4 1/2.   I say my interpretation because when I think about true pure love as defined in the Bible, I’ve accepted the notion that I like most will never find it.  My own interpretation of love, I look at as a mix of lust, romance, and attachment.  However, that’s simply one aspect, the feeling of love.  The action of love, I feel is another mix of endurance, commitment, and affection.  I’ve had about a dozen girlfriends and *cough cough* boos, and I can honestly say 4 1/2 makes me feel that way, 4 1/2 made me want to act that way.  I vividly remember the first times I ever said it and meant it, the times I didn’t, not so much (okay I do but that’s because I have an incredibly good memory not because I actually, you know, cared.)  I was admittedly reckless with the “l word” because I felt some people put too much stock in it.  You think you love me just say so, if you honestly need me to say it back to validate then clearly you’re not.  I would look deep in their eyes and ask why, not quite sure what I’m looking for.  Proof maybe? Perhaps she loved me within her own interpretations of love, or perhaps she simply was in love with the idea of being in love.  But who am I to say?  One is so quick to tell us what love is and isn’t, when ideally it’s all relative.

I can only speak for myself and my own interpretation.  It starts with LUST, the undeniable feeling of desire.  It’s often confused with sexual desire but it goes much deeper.  When I lust after someone I don’t just want to get in their bed, but their mind and heart.  I want them to want me as I them, maybe even more.   ROMANCE is a bit harder to describe but it’s just a feeling of wanting to express how you feel, if that makes any sense.  Cards, candy, candles are what is perceived as romantic but really romantic is the feeling of wanting to get those things.  Romance is often mistaken for love, but anyone can lust, anyone can romance what separates it is ATTACHMENT.  Attachment is just feeling at peace with that person.  Your heart skipping a beat when you see them, not wanting to shove them off you after sex, you just need them in a way.  It’s not always good however as it’s also not being able to resist that person, it’s why that ex keeps coming back, why you can’t see red flags. Love is truly blind, your brain suppresses thoughts of fear, lowers your instincts.  Love can be amazing or dangerous, depending on who’s hands it’s in.  Especially when it comes to acting on it.

So you’re in love, now what? You have to show it.  Talk is cheap.   AFFECTION is the easiest action they’re is especially when you’re in love.  It’s confirmation of feelings of lust, romance and attachment.  It’s little things that let one knows, they matter, still matter and always will matter.  Also, if you haven’t done so already, you COMMIT to them.  Doesn’t necessarily have to be official, but for others they needs that.  A relationship is a tough gauntlet for love, especially new love.  But you commit because you want them all for yourself, because they already have your heart and you need to see where they go with it.  You don’t love because you’re committed, you’re committed because you’re in love.  Many, myself included, make that error.

“anybody can fall in love, falling in love ain’t sh**. But somebody please tell me how to stay there.”

That quote from Love Jones, the most overrated black love movie ever, is exactly why love is so much harder than it looks.    It takes work. A lot of work. It takes  ENDURANCE.   It’s also being able to resist temptation as it’s tempting to go back and start over and relive the honeymoon phase with someone else.  However you endure it good and bad, because you can’t picture life without them.  Endurance is the other scary impact of love, some people hold on to something they shouldn’t, others just don’t have it in them to hold on at all.

So I been been in love 4 1/2 times.  Perhaps my interpretation is all wrong but it’s easier to say “I love you too” than “I also have lusting romantic feelings of attachment for you and I want to commit to you and endure all the baggage you come with” *kiss*.  Or maybe I will next time, if she doesn’t look at me like I have 3 heads, then I know it’s real.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… AGE

If she looks like this, compleeeeetely different post. Hi KeKe.

So I run into my boy on the way to work and we’re catching up.  We notice a girl smiling at us, more me than him but hey.  She was kinda cute but that’s all I paid attention to, it was the morning and public school milk got these high school girls deceiving as all hell. He beckons her over anyway, I know her.  She used to be around the way, somebody’s cousin I believe.  She comes and hugs me while my boy waits for an introduction, I barely remember her anyways, he can introduce yourself.

“Oh check you out all dressed up”

“Yeah just on my way to work, where you headed”

“Bout to go to school”

“What grade you in”

“I’m in college now, a freshman”

My boy started to talk low spit his little game, I had to go where I was going anyways.  I was leaving when she asked for my new number (like she had the old one, why do women do that they don’t ask they tell).  Hopefully my boy seals the deal, because she’s too young for me.

It’s funny because just a few days ago “Miss” asked me what’s the youngest I would date, and I said 21 at least.  Even that is a stretch, she would have to be really mature, or so dope I’m willing to look past it .  “Ms” for example, was both although in hindsight the maturity might’ve been an optical illusion.  But anyway, most of the women I talk to are my age or older accidentally on purpose.  Accidentally because I would never just shut down a younger girl who was interested.  On purpose because I typically have more in common with older women, I’m old for my age.  It took me a while to really come to that conclusion.  Story of my dating life, there was trial and plenty of errors…

When I was a senior in high school into my first semester of college, after my first real girlfriend dumped me.  I dated mainly younger (15-16 though, no R Kelly).  The bar was lower, and they was just as inexperienced as I was.  The issue was they were immature, and I was in college now.  So then I started to date girls my age, once again couple heartbreaks, decided to try something different again.   When I was 19-20, I had a small cougar phase, I went for older women because it seemed easier.  I was still insecure about myself, she was insecure about her age.  Also they been there, done that relationship wise and only wanted convenient fun.   This worked for a while, although there were some who would act my age which wasn’t cute at all.   In fact the oldest woman I dated she was 37 to my 19,  hands down the ghettoest, most immature woman I had ever dealt with.  She had a 13 year old son and still acted like a child…smh…but back to the story.  The real issue was as I got older I realized I wanted to be in a relationship and I noticed older women didn’t take me as seriously.   The been there, done that had backfired, they’ve been married, had kids, signed mortgages, I wasn’t about that life yet.

If she looks like this, compleeeeetely different post. Hi Halle.

So it brought me back to picking on girls my own size. Still mixed results. I never win. The lesson here should be that age doesn’t define maturity, so date whomever.  I will keep my settings on 21-34 for now though.  Because I think it still does define in a way, simply as it phases of life are concerned.  There’s a difference between being an adult and being grown.  An 18 year old hasn’t even had the type of relationship I desire, I’m sure of it.  Go get some experience and battle scars first.  A 42 year old probably isn’t looking to pop out a few big headed kids, I’m sure of it.  I’m sure there’s plenty exceptions as with everything, maybe the love of my life ends up being twice my age, (I ain’t playing cupid, don’t you try nothing) but for now I’ll see what I catch with this bait.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… MASCULINITY

Now, in my experience when an ex needed to talk, it was a pregnancy scare, needing closure, or wanting my permission to date my boy.  So I started counting back months, crossed my fingers and called.

So it turned out her friends cat had a litter of kittens and needed to unload some, ummm cool story.  They’ve tried but there’s still 3-4 left and are reaching out to anyone with space….

uh oh I see where this is going…

“can you take 2 until we find owners?”

“My apartment doesn’t allow pets”

“Doesn’t the guy downstairs have a dog”

“Thats a dog and he’s not even allowed to have it”

“Doesn’t the one across the hall have a cat”

“My apartment is too small for two cats”

“Just take one, until we find another owner or you can find one..pleeeeeease we don’t know who else to ask”

Not him…just as evil tho

And with that enters Brady (if I’m going to have a furball, it’s going to at least be named after the greatest QB of my time), a I think it’s like 12 weeks old now I’m not a cat person, Maine coon kitten sent from the depths of hell.  I’ve had him for a month of so, almost found a home a few times but one changed their mind, another didn’t want to pay a rehoming fee, and the other wanted me to bring it 2 hours away (I don’t deliver, #digiorno).  I think it was all an evil ploy by “She”, try to throw off my game, single men with cats are usually perceived as gay, secretly married or serial killers.  Also she knows firsthand how much  I value my stuff and has sent Brady to destroy it from the inside Trojan Horse style.  But at least he doesn’t use my brush, talk during Pardon the Interruption and say he’s not hungry but then proceeds to pick off my plate and out the pan for 10 minutes, so for now he’s an upgrade as a roommate.  I was telling my friend about this unfortunate turn of events and she laughed and said honestly a cat fits my personality, in the sense I’m lazy, low maintenance and only want attention when I’m bored.  Another friend shared a similar sentiment also throwing in responsible and caring.  My boy basically went way left saying that it was my way of holding on the her, which isn’t true I would’ve done it for anyone.  Another said f*** that leave the door open and let fate drive.  I laughed, admittedly considered it but for now I’m still a single man with a cat.  This can potentially alter the dynamics of my dating life.

Manly?

I needed to test on objective parties.  I broke the news to a boo (leaving the part where i did it as a favor to my ex of course), she wanted to say something but didn’t so I used the serial killer line and she agreed wholeheartedly.  Another had a “to each his own I guess” reaction.  An e-boo thought it was sweet I was helping out a friend (exactly, only took 7 people to get it) and that she liked that I was secure with myself.  Then another girl cosigned the low maintenance part, she don’t know me like that, who she think she is?  Anyway, men with cats do get a bad rep and as a temporary member I guess I have to defend.  I don’t need to walk around with a rottweiler like I’m Nino Brown to overcompensate, or use a dog as a wingman if I see a cute girl (actually that is the only reason a dog would come in  handy).

Side eye me if I start carrying a picture in my wallet, join a pet forum (although I do google a lot of stuff, like why it keeps going to town on its tail, or when they start shedding fur because hopefully he’s gone by then), start dressing it or actually own more than one (one cat is low maintenance, two cats is just creepy).  Cat or not I’m far from the cliche man anyways; sure I love beer, sports, boobs, have facial hair and hate everything that Nicholas Sparks ever wrote, but also I blog, I read books, watch what I eat, listen to R&B, and I like turkey bacon.  I am who I am.  I’m not a cat owner tho.

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Today’s Word is… CHEATED

Yesterday, I talked about cheating in relationships from two perspectives, being the other guy and being the cheater.  I can’t speak on how it feels to actually be cheated on because fortunately that hasn’t happened.  I can only imagine how I would react, I’m openly emotional yet prideful, petty yet mature, cynical yet forgiving.  It probably would go by the situation, I catch you in the act I might go Hulk smashing (unless it’s my crib I’m not ruining my stuff because you’re a heaux).  If you outright confess I’ll probably play it cool say something awfully cruel and then go home and listen to Drake and pretend I have allergies.  But I still think my thought process would be the same…

Why him (or her, rap songs be damned that girl got a girlfriend ish is basic as hell)?

I think that’s the obvious question, was that person really worth the risk.  You can’t help to check the tale of the tape and see what was special about them that made her not care about your trust and feelings.  Is he taller, makes more, what was he doing that I wasn’t? The irony in being the other guy was that I really wasn’t worth it, you were playing a dude who was willing to be with you for a couple of sweet lines and special moves.  I wasn’t trying to take her from him, just take her at my convenience.  I think roles reversed, I’d like to think the other guy was like her soul mate or something and not just some dude she finds cute.

How long has this been going on?

Even if it happened once, very rarely is it you met someone in one day, slept with them and got caught/confessed the next day.  Men possibly but even then unless it was really bad, will try to hold on to it (we have clothes from  9th grade still you think we are just going to pass up a woman who’s already given us a golden ticket).  With women who typically try to make you wait as long as possible take time before taking things to that level, there’s usually courting that she let go on too far. As texts got more flirtatious, the prospects of it went through her mind she chose to proceed anyway.   Temptation is a hell of a drug but we all know our limits.  It could be days, weeks, months even years, affairs take time.

Where did I go wrong?

I’m perhaps too secure in a relationship; if I know I’m doing all I can to keep you happy why worry about anyone else.  Cheating is the harsh reality that she wasn’t as happy as you thought she was.  Cheating is rarely about the sex, if one is feeling froggy with nowhere to leap there’s *ahem* things for that.  It’s usually about complements, getting what they feel they are missing in their relationship.  If I was cheated on I wouldn’t be able to help but feel like I failed at keeping her happy, my primary goal as boyfriend.  I would want to know what I did wrong to at least know better the next time.  Or at the very least know how to pick a better mate.

Screw me once…shame on you. The End.

Can I Forgive?

When I cheated, I thought it was better to end things.  Even if I was forgiven, I could never get off of relationship probation and being a “sex addict” doesn’t work with regular people.  I don’t think I ever could forgive someone who cheated on me, I’ll lose all respect and without respect I’ll be likely to cheat and be no better than her.

She have any single friends or relatives?

Kidding. Maybe.

-Stan-

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