I know this is one of those touchy subjects, I’ll tread carefully…
I hate BET. Well, hate is a strong word I sincerely dislike BET. However, I did catch the Hip Hop Awards, particularly to watch the
rappers rap pre written verses that still takes multiple takes freestyle cyphers, make jokes on Twitter and watch the Chris Lighty tribute. I was big fan of the Violator umbrella growing up, it’s pretty much what got me into rap music in the first place, before that I was more of an R&B kid. However, I couldn’t shake how he died. It wasn’t a random act of violence, an incurable disease, he took his own life. He could’ve been on that stage with him if he had wanted to be. He chose the alternative. I had a friend attempt suicide, thankfully she survived but once I knew she was okay I slowly distanced myself. I was angry at her. I felt like she was being selfish, she was going to do something that would affect so many people when she really aimed to afflict a few. I empathized but I felt some type of way about it all, as I did when I heard about Don Cornelius, Junior Seau and most recently when I read about Amanda Todd. The Todd video was heartbreaking, but it all seemed for naught considering her fate. I disliked the attention it was getting in the media, personally I felt it sent the wrong message. That more people would aspire to be the next Amanda Todd and not someone who overcame those dark moments and feelings of worthlessness and despair. I, admittedly, am the latter.
I never attempted anything, honestly I was too afraid of the embarrassment of trying and not succeeding, but mentally I was there. A few times actually, at first I was a little younger than Amanda about 13. I was an outcast at school and just as big of one in my neighborhood, I felt out of place in my own family, I was the only boy in a house full of women and I honestly felt my father just didn’t like me. He loved me, but he didn’t like me, I was into weird things, not that athletic, didn’t get girls, I hated how he looked at me. Like some kind of misprint. I had a plan in motion but again I was too afraid of failing. With my luck, I would wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by family, smiling in my face but in their minds thinking I was crazy. My father’s misprint look x100. It just wasn’t worth it. Ultimately, I prayed on it found inner peace and made it through high school despite being cut from every team I tried out for, rejected by every girl I liked, the not so behind my back jokes, and spending my junior and senior proms at home reading a book. What kept me going was things would be better, I would go to college reinvent myself, never look back…
I did just that. Initially. Then things spiraled out of control again. Now I was drinking so the dark feelings came back with a vengeance. When I wasn’t drinking, I ate. I had set a plan in motion this time, buy a bunch of sleep meds online, a gallon of vodka and see what happens. I even had a concept blog. I gave myself 30 days and with each day I weighed the pros/cons (even in my most depressed state I managed to over analyze things). I got to day 22 when I was really coming to terms with it. Then I reread everything and realized that most of my pros were selfish reasons. I wanted people to simply have the guilt of my death forever, part of me wanted to become a posthumous internet sensation, I wanted die with potential than grow to be nothing. Then I thought about the people I would hurt unintentionally, and I couldn’t do it to them. I thought about friends and relatives who have passed already who didn’t get to see the next day and here I was not willing to. I was better than that, there were so many alternatives. I could move to a 3rd world country and devote my life to service, I would be gone but not gone. I could experience relief, a feeling you don’t get to feel with suicide. Maybe you do, who knows. I rather not take my chances. Can’t Control+Z a suicide.
What keeps me going these days is understanding that there are people who won’t wake up tomorrow, hell maybe I won’t. There’s so many people going through so much more important struggles than what I am. Taking my life when so many people are fighting for theirs just seems selfish. I also continue to look ahead, life’s not perfect but it can get better and I want to be there when it does.