Monthly Archives: October 2012

Today’s Word is… DRAMA

yup. mmm hmmm. wow thats crazy

So I ran into an this girl I used to talk to’s homegirl the other day (why do all my posts seem to start with women now, guess they are my Muse). I was expecting a quick hi/bye but she kept continuing conversation, what my interests are who I be with, you know that whole thing. Of course, I brought up her friend and she said they weren’t friends anymore. I tried to wave for a fair catch, but she then went on about how/why they weren’t friends, to be honest I kinda tuned out and just nodded and said “wow that’s crazy” where I saw fit. She asked for my new number (like she actually had the old one, well played tho) and we went separate ways. I don’t plan on hitting her up of the principle. Me and the other girl weren’t exactly an item, but I was obviously relevant enough to meet her then best friend and a couple others. Also, the whole situation reeks of unnecessary drama. And homegirl ain’t that cute.  I thought back to when I was with her, she always did have a story about homegirl getting into something, she LOVES drama. I remember the stories clear as day now, she just craves that extraness in her life. I wondered why she was even friends with her in the first place. She was drama dependent like her but she had a slight kick as well. She kept her around FOR the drama, something we all seem to do.

admitting is the first step

Everyone protests they hate drama, yet we’re all guilty of indulging in drama. We all love it, our daily dosages just vary. I don’t care for drama but I admit it keeps things interesting. Some of us prefer to be on the outside looking in on drama. We all have that friend that can’t stay out of trouble, guilty pleasure reality show, or that online alter ego that you live vicariously through. Others like personal drama, so they always putting themselves in certain situations. Then there’s the ones that can’t seem to avoid it no matter how hard they try.

The Facebook posts i really like, needs no “like”

When i was younger i was a lot more naive and dramatic but now I’m probably 75% outside, 15% personal, 10% can’t avoid it. I’ve gotten better at avoiding drama (e.g. earlier in post) but some stuff just follows you. Relationships have drama, but so does being single. You go to school, drama, you work drama, you interact on social media, and there’s more drama waiting for you. I like a little personal drama, it keeps me entertained. Also, I’m a thinker; get in my head and you get in my heart. The ones that drive me crazy are the ones that drive me crazy. We say we want to just be happy but that would be so boring, piss me off, hurt my feelings, confuse me. Separate yourself in some way. I’ve talked before about how/why nice guys this is the other reason. Douchebags stay in her thoughts good and bad. Nice guys only get stories about how the bad guy is and wondering why not him? Sometimes you cant just be the solution, you got to be part of the problem. However, I’m not for all that drama. I’m not about to go gray or bald for some added spice in my life. Also chicks throw bricks and slash tired. So for the most part, I’m more of the outside looking in, laughing at others expense, smh-ing and being happy it ain’t me.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… OLD

I feel old.  Odd to hear from someone who just turned 24 but as I’m in the final year of my “young adult” demographic I feel somewhat disconnected to the average 18-21 year old.  I’ve always had an “old soul” despite my love for video games and cartoons.  It’s typically why I attract older women, connect with older people and most people would guess I’m 28 before that I was born in 88.  I’m just different from my peers, I suppose. For example

Fashion: In high school was when throwback jerseys were the thing to wear.  People rocked any team, any player, fan loyalty be damned.  From there it was super long tee shirts.  I was with both especially being a big dude.  By college it became graphic tees and wallet chains, I still rolled with it, then it became tight shirts and jeans….STOP REQUESTED.  Now I see dudes rocking lite brite colors and colored jeans and I just smh.  I’m more business casual these days, turned in my fitted collection for a tie one.  Sometimes I’ll still rock a hat and sneakers but not so much anymore, meanwhile I see dudes older than me with mohawks and #swagg shirts on.

nah, son.

Music: I like some music out now but most of it makes my head hurt.  I was raised on old school soul, I can sing along to Smokey Robinson before I can Chief Keef. I even started to get into jazz as an escape from some of the awful glow stick waving music that’s out these days. I still will turn on some Meek Mill or Jeezy on a good day but Future and Lil B the based God….umm I’ll pass.

yes, jazz

Relationships: YOU already know my stanceon relationships versus being single. I just feel a lot more comfortable in a long term monogamous relationship than chasing skirts at the club. I want my relationships to be headed somewhere and if not then why waste either of our time. It sounds insane considering I’m still young and probably the most attractive I’ve ever been to women but it gets old. I have friends who are 30+ in relationships still texting a bunch of girls, I’m over it.

Drinking: I remember the first time I got really drunk, it was freshman year, I had 151, Captain Morgan and some mystery drink. I still don’t really remember what happened that night, I remember having a semester worth of quotables, someone throwing a can at a cop car and some white girl kissing me in the elevator. It was a fun night but I can’t ever see myself doing something like that today and now I can drink legally. I still drink socially but I don’t ever remember being that drunk again (close a few times but never to that extreme). I’m too old to be YOLOing.

The devil’s juice

Overall Recklessness I grew up in the hood but I always knew that my time there had an expiration date. I had been arrested, stabbed, shot at, it wasn’t the life for me. I was never some hardcore gangsta but just someone who constantly was in the wrong place wrong time. Now I’m way too old to be fighting, plus these days dudes don’t fight fair (re: stabbing), I never been to jail jail and I never intend to. I have friends who still getting dumb charges completely oblivious to how the system is set to ruin them for life. I proudly agree to background checks, ain’t nothing there.

We are always reflecting but I always felt the major points were turning 18, turning 25, first child (if not happened already), when your child is old enough to know if you ain’t sh*t(if your kid can’t tell his/her teacher what you do for a living, reevaluate your life), 30, mid life crisis. I guess I’m just on to a different phase of my life. All things considered I had a great coming up, I’m not trying to relive it. I have teenage brothers I’m not trying to be like them, I rather be an example of what to be like going forward. It kills me to see people older than me still acting like kids. Find a tailor, read some books, diversify your interests. Put childish things away, ain’t nobody got time for that. Oh and vote.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… AVAILABILITY

I hate this quote.  I hate whoever thought of it. I hate Tumblr.  I hate the “parody” accounts on Twitter who spew quotes like these. I hate the Baltimore Ravens just because.  The reason I hate the quote is it’s commonly used against me out of context.  “Miss” was good for doing so, but she at least knew that it annoyed me she just liked to be cute.  Others usually use it when I’m too busy for their liking, which instead of taking accountability and realizing maybe they’re making themselves too available, they point the finger at the man.  Geaux figure.

Availability is something that is often overlooked in regards to dating, it seems like people aren’t as available as they like to think they are, others aren’t as unavailable as they think they are.  Ironically enough, I’m talking to one on each end of the spectrum.  In the blue corner, we have “Busy”, a sweet, beautiful woman with enough wit and sarcasm to almost go toe to toe with me. Almost.  I like “Busy”, but she bites off way more than she can chew sometimes, and while her caring nature is one of the things I like about her, it makes her impossible to date.  Interestingly enough, she doesn’t see it that way.  She says I’m not making myself available enough, but one who makes themselves too available usually gets burned in the long run. Like Nnamdi Asomugha on a go route. Alas, the conflict of two people who think they are both making themselves available enough for the other and the other simply isn’t taking advantage of what’s in front of them.  Or maybe our availability struggle is a cleverly disguised game of chicken, where one simply wants to see who gives in first.  Unfortunately, of the many things we have in common, stubbornness is one of them.  I will win eventually, I hope.

I will not be Nnamdi’ed. For the non football fan, he’s #24 who should’ve caught #12 15 yards ago

In the red corner, we have “Lady”, who is a single working mother who always seems to be the one reaching out.  I’ve had my reservations about dating single mothers in the past but I like her so far I’m just not sure how much.  She’s opened up to me a lot, a whole lot that I’m still processing it all.  Part of me feels she just wants a boyfriend and any old guy would do.  I like to think of myself as a catch but she doesn’t know I am yet, she can’t know yet, I haven’t even showed her much yet.  She has a whenever, whereever, whatever schedule where if I called right now she’d probably drop her son off and be right over.  That’s not exactly a plus in my book. I like challenges. When one is too available, it basically leaves another to use them at their own convenience, not like they’re going anywhere.  Writing it out, she might not just be too available just too easy and I’m not about to be the next contestant on that Maury Show screen.

No sir. No me.

I like women who make me work and anticipate but there’s got to be light at the end of the tunnel.  Make me chase you but I’m not going to run forever, shin splints ain’t nothing to f wit.  I can’t deal with an overly available women because we’ll always run into trouble when I can’t give her the time she wants, and overly busy women are just frustrating. On a 1-10 I’d take a 4-6 or even 3 if she’s really fine.

On a 1-10 scale with 1 being the least available, I’d say I’m about a 4.  Depending who else you ask I’m probably a -10. While I’m fairly open I still know that you never want to become the guy that you know is always free.  I can be staring at my phone waiting for you to respond to my text but I refuse to be the guy that texts “???” every 10 minutes (don’t you hate when people do that, like go play Angry Birds or something, i’ll get back to you when I do).  On the other end, you also don’t want to become the guy that’s so unavailable that women think you’re gay, married or Batman. I wasn’t available for a while and some good women slipped by because of it. Single doesn’t always mean available, a lesson I learned the hard way.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… DATE

As you know I’m not a big fan of the single life, it’s cold out there, let me inside.  However, the one thing I give it over relationships is that I do enjoy dating.  One, I’m great at first impressions, Two, it gives me an excuse to do things I want to do anyway, Three, I love meeting new people.   Some people I date because I have genuine interest is a relationship down the road, others I simply enjoy their company.  Sometimes the lines are crossed and I’ve been hanging out and they looked at it as a date, and I thought I was on a date and it was just hanging out.  I’m pretty much the same way on either so what’s the difference between the two?  What is a date? What are the rules? What changes it from being hanging out?  The obvious difference is intention; but sometimes you just don’t really know.  I’ve gone into dates thinking it was a date, picked up red flags/bad vibe/etc and quickly called an audible.  I’ve also hung out and tried to make it as date-esque as possible.  Through my fails  experiences, I’ve determined:

Dates don’t take place at home- Light all the candles you want, dates don’t happen in the crib (or dorm).

It takes two- Well obviously two people but I mean in the sense, dates usually consist of two activities, looking back there were times I went out with a girl and we went our separate ways after, needless to say I ended up in the friend zone after.

Dates are made in advance- This one I learned the hard way.  Like I said earlier, I typically like to date to do things I want to do anyway. If I’m hungry I’ll suggest we get something to eat, if I want to see a certain movie I’ll ask you to go.  Every relationship advice guru in the world tells women never accept same day dates but I try anyway.  Also women take 37593 years to get ready so they need the prep time.

Tone- We’re too cool for our own good sometimes. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime?” is too humbling, if you get told no there’s nothing around it you just gotta take it.  “You wanna grab a drink sometime” is an easier way even if she does decline but if she accepts you can’t really own up to it either.  I have a habit of asking out in the most vague, platonically ways possible (years of rejection does numbers on you) and then it backfires when I’m not sure if its a date or not

Looking back on dates or hang outs I had and what ultimately happened later on, it was pretty much clear where I went wrong in drawing the line between the two.  For example, my last “date” with Broke Poem Girl (that was like a while ago, I really should get out more), she actually asked me out t she did say “let’s go to brunch” so I thought okay we’re just hanging, then she changed the date to the slam and wanted to get dolled up, so I thought okay maybe it’s a date.  I went business casual she had on skinny jeans, Hangout. Then after the show, she suggested somewhere else, date. However, I had lost entirely too much interest and called it a night. Hangout.  Another time, I had asked a girl out to dinner and drinks, Date? She just invited me over and we ordered in, Hangout.   I also got welp it’s getting late, kickout.  It’s cold out here.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… CHICKEN

Stereotypes aside, I could kill some chicken right now

The other day I talked about how I strongly prefer relationships over being single, above all the reasons I had listed, I forgot one.  I hate dating.  Relationships aren’t exactly a walk in the park but my girlfriend is allotted a certain amount of frustration, women I’m dating/talking to/lusting over do not.  Yet they cause me just as much grief, especially in a game of chicken, well except for it being the 1960s and driving off of a cliff, two battle to reserve feelings until the other one gives in first.  It’s a constant struggle, on one hand a closed mouth does not get fed, you have to put your feelings out there to avoid guessing and assuming, on the other no one wants to be the first one.

So I got caught up in another shouldawouldacouldawhatif conversation.  Let her tell it, I played games. I asked in what ways and she went on with assumptions, words out of context, and backtracks on things she said.   In essence, these games I played were merely her own waffling back and forth on how seriously to take me.  She never expressed any real interest in me but in hindsight that was my fault, had I shown interest first then maybe she would’ve.  Oh.  Women love traditions especially when it’s convenient for them.

She’s not fully wrong in the sense men should court, regardless of the front she puts on. I have no problem putting myself out there, it might take a while because I over think but I get there eventually (assuming I want to). However, even when the dating game is played and you’re in a relationship, the game of chicken carries on.

Even in a relationship there’s always some restraint whether it’s on true feelings, freakiness, or accountability. Men and women are always holding out until the other gives in. I’m willing to give my all to someone, #yolo if you will. Yes, it ends up being a waste but it takes just as much energy to continue to play chicken with my girlfriend. I’ve said I love you first even if it takes days, weeks, months to hear it back. I’ve pulled tricks out of my hat and to my record no woman has gone running out the bedroom or stopped taking my calls after. I’m willing to admit I’m wrong, it’s just that I rarely am (joking…kind of). I prefer my chicken eaten not played. It gets old after a while, I feel how I feel, I am who I am, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

In the game of chicken the loser should feel ashamed while the winner is deemed brave and fearless, assuming they aren’t dead. Going back to the conversation, they was no winner, we both swerved very early and now we’re wondering what was we so afraid of. Or rather we both swerved because we Neither one of us can honestly say we put ourselves out there and the other one was afraid. Communication typically trumps chicken or any mind games, but far too often we give our own assumptions too much credibility. We have 5 senses, mind reading isn’t one of them. Moral of the story: There’s no such thing as a dumb question, but there are plenty of dumb assumptions. Ask.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… COMPATIBILITY

I have an e-crush.  She’s smart, funny, the right mix of reserved and freak, loves sports, into fitness, likes the same music, hell she even draws. She’s basically a much prettier version of me.  Hopefully our paths cross, and when they do she’s still single, I’m surprised she even is now.  On paper she’s everything a dude would want, or maybe I’m just so vain that I would swoon over someone who’s like me.   Compatibility has never really been a big deal to me in a relationship but meeting someone who is definitely piques my interest.  Perhaps it’s a quality I’ve overlooked all this time, common interests make for better conversations and dates but how about a better relationship? How important is compatibility if there’s at least strong chemistry?

So let’s take my three favorite recurring characters, “She”, “Her” and “Miss”. My longest relationship, my strongest chemistry, and my most compatible. Now “She” and “Her” don’t have much in common with me (now I think about it, they are actually a lot alike despite the fact they despise each other, and for the record it’s only like 37% about me).   “She” and I were polar opposites. She’s younger but really old school, she hates most music, movies and TV today.  While I shared some of her sentiments, I’d listen to a Drake song despite her eye rolls.  There was also plenty of times I would want to watch CNN or a documentary and she would basically be looking at it like a bored student. I spoke before on how my new healthy lifestyle caused issues, she’s the type to drive to the corner store and now I was asking her to take a hike with me.  However it worked with a little give and take.  I could manage to sit through an episode of Jerseylicious, and she eventually introduced her iPod to Kanye West.  I learned how to explain things without sounding like a tool, she grew to like egg whites and turkey sausage.   Over time, we understood our differences and focused on our similarities and balanced each other out.  “She” and I had many issues, compatibility wasn’t one.

When the sweet girl you just met becomes you’re girlfriend

 

Now with “Her”, we were so different but you probably couldn’t tell because we were just that into each other.  I’m a homebody, she’s always out.  I’m a (self proclaimed) sports guru, she couldn’t name any athlete she wasn’t overly attracted to.  She always wanted to discuss things then and there, while I rather wait and let tensions die down.  I was sarcastic, she was sensitive.  Over time however, the chemistry died and our differences stood out more.  The cute girl I had a thing for was now my girlfriend, she had wants and needs and I wasn’t always able to comply with them all.  I was now a boyfriend who didn’t share her interests, didn’t make enough time for her, never let her play in any reindeer games.  When we were getting along it was magical, when we weren’t we couldn’t stand each other.  Compatibility again wasn’t a problem in the relationship but we needed something, anything more than mere chemistry and we never could find it.

Now “Miss”, we have a lot in common.  We could talk about anything, we still do sometimes.  Meeting her was almost like a breath of fresh air, she simply got me.  I understood her as well, and again on paper it seems like a match made, yet it just never worked out that way.  There’s compatibility but not as much chemistry.  As an introvert, I’m really big on vibes and signals, and I never felt much chemistry, at least from her end.  My crush is seemingly perfect for me but compatibility only gets so far, is there truly chemistry?Who knows? What if there isn’t? Perhaps she’s better off just a crush, keep the fantasy alive.  So I guess to answer my own question, compatibility is a plus but it’s not nearly enough to build a relationship on. Regardless of what online dating services would like you to believe.  Pewn Pewn Shots fired.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… CHIVALRY

Coolin.

“Some n***as save h*es, I’m not that heroic” – J. Cole

Oh, The plight of the nice guy.  In my last post, I talked about the emotional and vulnerable guy who is always too in love for his own good.  Today, I’ll talk about the chivalrous guy, brave, diligent, unnoticed.

They say chivalry is dead, it was killed by Hip Hop and later avenged by auto-tune which was then killed by Jay-Z who is still the best rapper alive because no one has yet to get close to him aside from Lil Wayne who pretty much stopped caring in early 2009.  What was I talking about again, oh yeah chivalry.  Chivalry has evolved over the years, from knights willing to die for the fairer sex to men who won’t do even the slightest gesture without expectation of sex.  So they say.  I consider myself somewhat chivalrous, I was raised in a house of all women, if I didn’t have the utmost respect for one, I was gon’ learn today.  I say somewhat because some customs are simply unnecessary, while others are not depending on the woman.  I’ll kiss your hand in the least creepiest way possible but I’m not about to get into an altercation over a woman I barely know.  They say today’s men aren’t chivalrous at all, and while we aren’t Knights in shining armor, I give the fellow man more credit than that.  Men are still very chivalrous, some just don’t pay attention, so alas, plenty chivalrous things that tend to go unnoticed like

If you’re from Boston like me, you’d know this is actually a rare sight

Holding a Door– Door handles are the filthiest things on earth, you think of how many masturbating  nose picking, finger popping, paper cut getting, Employees have to wash hands but I don’t, hands touch door handles everyday.  But without thinking I’ll always hold a door for a woman (and use purell after).  Some say thank you, some smile, some got on a dress that thanks you already, others stroll by like you get paid for it.

Introducing– If I’m out with someone, anyone else who speaks me will be introduced, you can be my mailman.  I’m like that with anyone honestly, I hate being the guy twiddling thumbs as you catch up or chop it up with a coworker even though you been off the clock for 4 minutes and you asked me to meet you at 5:00 sharp -_-.

Walking on the right side of the sidewalk– This is something I never realized I did until one time it was actually acknowledged.  I was out with someone and she even walked on the wrong side (because women LOVE to test men on dates) and I subtly moved back.  I got 50 points for Gryffindor for that time and since nothing.

Making Sure You Got Home OK– I always make it a habit to call/text after leaving someone,  we just spent an evening/lunch/night together and I’m not smothering but I like to know that you’re okay.  I mean Anything can happen, ask Liam Neeson.  Taken 2 is out right? Hmmm who to drag with me…okay I’m getting off track again.

Others are just a given now, giving up your seat, lifting heavy things, killing the bug, censoring language etc.  but they also say not that men are rude, but that the modern woman has killed chivalry.  The modern woman is easy, loud, and cynical.  She picks and chooses which chivalrous acts are acceptable, and then will consider the man corny or old fashioned for others. For example

I’ll order my own food thank you- I’ve ordered for my date before (well she told me what she wanted I simply stated it), I’ve also been cut off when doing so and I just got to sit with the Obama at the debate face.

Oh you just saying that- I give plenty compliments, if I  love your perfume I say so, if I like your hair like that I say so, if I like how that shirt fits you I might think something inappropiate but say something a little more eloquent.  I know no one likes to be complimented all the time but these days you can’t compliment a woman without being thirsty or lying.

Make a move- In hindsight there’s plenty of evenings that could’ve turned out differently if I had just made a move.  However, I’m a gentleman first, I might not ask because there’s no way to do that without looking tacky but I will wait her out. Sometimes she breaks the stalemate, others  tell me about it afterwards, gets with someone else and moves away -_-.  Oh, the plight of the nice guy.

Unlike the emotionally unavailable guy, I just don’t see how or why the non chivalrous dude  wins in this matter.  Chivalry is above all else simple manners.  Give a take some examples, most of these things should be done for the fellow person just because.  But things don’t ever work out like that.  Now who am I seeing Taken 2 with, I’m paying unless she’s too independent for all that, then she can lol.

-Stan-

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