Today’s Word is… GOODBYE

The last words my mother ever said to me “Love You”.   At my sister’s urging, I had left school to visit her at the hospice, she had been there the day before, she told me I needed to get there ASAP.  I was confused, just three weeks ago she was giving me money for books for the upcoming semester, I knew she wasn’t 100% but she was fine last I seen.  The sight of her was shocking, her once plump frame now frail, color drained from her chocolate skin, her loud, assertive tone replaced by a faint whisper.  It was a lot to take in, I had to excuse myself a few times to cry, I hated seeing her like this, I knew she hated being like this.  My sister called and told me since I was there to get her ID she needed it for some documents.  I brought my mother her purse, she smirked a little, “a man never goes in a woman’s purse” she always told me.  She passed me her wallet, “I don’t have any money for you” she murmurs, same old Ma.  I get her ID out and I see a photo of her, I didn’t have any wallet sized photos of her so I took it.  We sat and watched Judge Judy until I noticed her falling asleep, I told her I was taking off, I kissed her on her forehead and she says “Love You”.  The next morning, I was on my way back and I got my wallet out to pay for the train, I look at her picture and I get a strange feeling.  A few moments later, I get a phone call, she’s gone.

The remainder of that day was almost a blur, I took my first shot at 9 o’clock that morning, I’m in my old neighborhood sitting on the swings waiting for someone to come get me.   Still very intoxicated, I pull out my blackberry and start writing a Facebook note.  Just getting all my feelings out, I was angry at the hospice, angry at myself, angry at her, angry at “Madame” who didn’t come with me, angry at my friends who didn’t reach out, it was a mess.  Luckily, I was too out of it to actually post it, the following day, I still intended to post but I seen a sign that made me start fresh.  Three years ago today, I wrote this:

It’s amazing how one can find solace in the strangest things. As I try to understand why God has chosen to take my mother so soon, I seen a sign that said “Thank You Sen. Kennedy”. And when I think about it I have yet to see an RIP Teddy or We’ll miss You sign always thank you.Instead of mourning people look back on his years of service and are thankful for his commitment. Now my mother wasn’t a senator but her life should be celebrated and those who mourn are also gratituous. In 27 years of motherhood, she raised 3 girls to 3 women, 2 boys to 2 men. She also was a mother to neighbors, friends and classmates. She has had more jobs than I can think of but always a mother and a mentor through and through.But whats ultimately her legacy is ______, _____ , ______, ______ and myself. Her gifts to society, the torch she passes on. we may have lost her but we are not lost without her. Mother, I thank you. Your destiny’s fulfilled

I felt better. It was the first time in a long time writing actually made me feel better.  Even being upset today, I thought writing everything out would make me feel better again at least temporarily.  Mixed results.



Filed under Love, Simply Stan

8 responses to “Today’s Word is… GOODBYE

  1. *Yoles*

    i am so sorry to hear that you lost your mother… I am hoping and praying that time will continue to heal the pain… My deepest condolences to you and your family…

  2. Poetic Justice

    My dad used to say, “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.” I can’t say that I understand how you feel, but I can empathize. I also know it doesn’t get easier, but the memories do grow fonder. Though your post may not have directly made you feel better, your vulnerability with your readers speaks magnitudes. Thank you for sharing. I hope peace and comfort find their way to you today.

  3. M

    There’s that special place in our hearts for loved ones after they’ve passed on. The pain remains, but we learn to live with it over time. You take everything you learned from your loved one and apply it. She was in your life for a reason. She raised you to be a strong man. I have lost loved ones, but my mother is here with me. I can’t imagine losing her and when the “what if” thought floats across my mind I am immediately sobbing. I can’t bear to see my mother go. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to go through such an experience. I know it’s still hard.

  4. funny how God works… i have been really struggling with the loss of a close family member recently. A couple of weeks ago i saw a comment on VSB where you mentioned your blog. I didnt check it out for whatever reason. Last night i received a text message telling me that the episode of of comicview that aired many years ago that showcased my lost family member and his que chapter stepping was available until midnight. I watched it and there were numerous shots of him having the time of his life.
    it hurt more than i imagined it would and brought the pain back alll over again..this post has given me a new perspective. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Pingback: Today’s Word is… GLOSSARY | A Stan of a Few Words

  6. Pingback: Today’s Word is… WRITE | Stan of Few Words

  7. Pingback: Today’s Word is… MOM | Stan of Few Words

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