Perhaps the most personal/emo post I’ll ever write, but I must warn you:
My grandfather is an ordained minister, my grandmother was raised in the south with deep Christian roots, they raised my father to be a strong, God-fearing man. My mother was also a devout Christian and she and my father raised us the same. Over time, our church attending waned, to the point that I honestly don’t remember the last time I attended a church service (actually I do but it was so long ago it’s better to say I don’t remember). My personal relationship with God is…different. I believe in God, yet my faith isn’t what it was. I feel my analytic side hinders my spiritual growth, I question, I doubt, yet I’m humble enough to know I do not fully understand. I understand the purpose of church and religion, I respect its role especially in creating the moral fabric of a family. However, I simply lack that connection that others have, I wish I could say I had a deep personal and spiritual connection with God but I do not. I honestly envy those that do, I used to feel that way, what happened? We were so close before…
As a child I had a deep connection with God, I prayed every night, attended bible camps at the park, never even so much said a curse word. It made me feel secure, no matter what happened I knew he was there. Things got rocky, divorce, my older brother leaves with my father, who then proceeds to have two more sons, I’m suddenly the man of the house. I told you before, about my growing identity crisis trying to balance being book smart and street smart, I’m more lost and confused as ever, but He was there. I pushed through.
High school, rough but I made it through, the hood even rougher same results. I’m an adult now and for the first time I’m introduced to debt, I have no idea how to pay for school, take care of myself. Socially I’m losing friends and girlfriends I’m feeling dark feelings I never experienced before, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel that same security. I feel more alone than ever, but I accept the adversity but things continue to pile on. Forced to take a break from school, can’t find any employment, my mother is diagnosed with cancer, she can’t take care of me she needs someone to care for her. I have to be the man again. I need help, I need guidance, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel the security. She passes, and now I feel anger towards him, I understand that everything happens for a reason but I struggle to find any justification. Time passes, I try to re-establish relationship, I pray, I read, it doesn’t feel the same.
So here I am. I’m not as cynical as I may have been 2-3 years ago but I’m not as blindly secure as I once was. I think in a way it’s what works for me, I look at someone like “Miss” who has an admirable personal relationship with enormous faith and that’s great, but then I look at others who never set foot in a church outside of a wedding/funeral and they have their own faith. Even writing this post I feel much better about myself and my faith . Maybe I’m simply too strong willed, inquisitive and emotional to ever have the connection “Miss” or other family members have? Maybe I still have have some work to do? He knows, I don’t, I guess that’s just his plan…or is it?