Today’s Word is… FAITH

Perhaps the most personal/emo post I’ll ever write, but I must warn you:

I know religion is a touchy subject…apologies if I offend

My grandfather is an ordained minister, my grandmother was raised in the south with deep Christian roots, they raised my father to be a strong, God-fearing man.  My mother was also a devout Christian and she and my father raised us the same.  Over time, our church attending waned, to the point that I honestly don’t remember the last time I attended a church service (actually I do but it was so long ago it’s better to say I don’t remember).  My personal relationship with God is…different.  I believe in God, yet my faith isn’t what it was.  I feel my analytic side hinders my spiritual growth, I question, I doubt, yet I’m humble enough to know I do not fully understand.  I understand the purpose of church and religion, I respect its role especially in creating the moral fabric of a family.  However, I simply lack that connection that others have, I wish I could say I had a deep personal and spiritual connection with God but I do not.  I honestly envy those that do, I used to feel that way, what happened? We were so close before…

As a child I had a deep connection with God, I prayed every night, attended bible camps at the park, never even so much said a curse word.  It made me feel secure, no matter what happened I knew he was there.  Things got rocky, divorce, my older brother leaves with my father, who then proceeds to have two more sons, I’m suddenly the man of the house.  I told you before, about my growing identity crisis trying to balance being book smart and street smart, I’m more lost and confused as ever, but He was there.  I pushed through.

High school, rough but I made it through, the hood even rougher same results.  I’m an adult now and for the first time I’m introduced to debt,  I have no idea how to pay for school, take care of myself. Socially I’m losing friends and girlfriends I’m feeling dark feelings I never experienced before, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel that same security.  I feel more alone than ever, but I accept the adversity but things continue to pile on.  Forced to take a break from school, can’t find any employment, my mother is diagnosed with cancer, she can’t take care of me she needs someone to care for her.  I have to be the man again.  I need help, I need guidance, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel the security.  She passes, and now I feel anger towards him, I understand that everything happens for a reason but I struggle to find any justification.  Time passes, I try to re-establish relationship,  I pray, I read, it doesn’t feel the same.

So here I am.  I’m not as cynical as I may have been 2-3 years ago but I’m not as blindly secure as I once was.  I think in a way it’s what works for me, I look at someone like “Miss” who has an admirable personal relationship with enormous faith and that’s great, but then I look at others who never set foot in a church outside of a wedding/funeral and they have their own faith.  Even writing this post I feel much better about myself and my faith .  Maybe I’m simply too strong willed, inquisitive and emotional to ever have the connection “Miss” or other family members have? Maybe I still have have some work to do? He knows, I don’t, I guess that’s just his plan…or is it?

-Stan-

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8 Comments

Filed under Religion, Simply Stan

8 responses to “Today’s Word is… FAITH

  1. I enjoy reading posts like yours because there seems to be something comforting in not feeling alone, that there are others experiencing feelings like mine. In your case Stan, I have but one reply- Ask Him, not us.

  2. M

    As children we are innocent, all loving, and all believing. As we grow up life takes over and individuals go in and out of our lives impacting the very core of our beings. The actions of others often lead us to lose faith in humanity..and maybe even God. Things do happen for a reason though we often don’t know what that reason is.

    • Mnemosyne

      I couldn’t agree more with this statement and with this entire post!
      I grew up as a semi-devout Catholic, went to a Catholic grade-school and then when my parents uprooted the family to move across the country I had no real devotion to God. I attended public high school and never attended church until years later. But I still had morals. I was brought up with a strong sense of self. After a while I spent a lot of time around Muslims and it was great, they allowed me to stay grounded and I was able to learn about another religion and culture and about myself. To the point where I almost considered conversion.
      I’m currently dating a Christian, and he has a strong sense of self and he displays a strong and true relationship with God; his entire family is this way. And even if he doesn’t attend church every weekend, I know he will always have a strong relationship with Him; I will always struggle to know God and what he has done for the world. Overall, it’s never stopped me from trying to understand, even if it’s just reading the word.
      I’ve been slowly coming to the conclusion that I have faith. I believe in God. I do not believe in organized religion. Especially as I watch the world crumble under the extremists of said organized religion.
      Thanks Stan for making me think about what resolutions I must come to.

  3. this is EXACTLY my conflict. i am a (n over) thinker. and it’s hard for me to sometimes suspend my belief in what i know to be true (gay people are not evil) vs what the bible says. (just an example).
    that being said – faith is not supposed to be easy and sometimes all it takes is having support (friends) and the willingness to take those first baby steps.
    maybe download an app or listen to podcasts (i like joel). it’s a place to start. that’s all you need to do.
    good luck.

    • Darrk Gable

      Spot on with this assessment. I find myself being an overthinker as well, and being too analytical, but I also recognize the need for faith in a Supreme Being (Christian God in my case). The balance will never be in balance, if you can follow. It’s cliche to say, but even when the world is spinning crazily out of wack, God really does know what’s going on. If you’re still maintain a modicum of your faith, He’ll do the rest. Faith is trusting what you don’t see, even when it’s hard. In your analysis of things, remember to “lean not thine own understanding”.

      Sorry for getting preachy, but I been where you are, and what I’m sharing is what folks have shared with me.

  4. Pingback: Today’s Word is… FITNESS | A Stan of a Few Words

  5. Pingback: Today’s Word is… OVERRATED | A Stan of a Few Words

  6. Pingback: Today’s Word is… WRITE | Stan of Few Words

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