Daily Archives: September 17, 2012

Today’s Word is… FAITH

Perhaps the most personal/emo post I’ll ever write, but I must warn you:

I know religion is a touchy subject…apologies if I offend

My grandfather is an ordained minister, my grandmother was raised in the south with deep Christian roots, they raised my father to be a strong, God-fearing man.  My mother was also a devout Christian and she and my father raised us the same.  Over time, our church attending waned, to the point that I honestly don’t remember the last time I attended a church service (actually I do but it was so long ago it’s better to say I don’t remember).  My personal relationship with God is…different.  I believe in God, yet my faith isn’t what it was.  I feel my analytic side hinders my spiritual growth, I question, I doubt, yet I’m humble enough to know I do not fully understand.  I understand the purpose of church and religion, I respect its role especially in creating the moral fabric of a family.  However, I simply lack that connection that others have, I wish I could say I had a deep personal and spiritual connection with God but I do not.  I honestly envy those that do, I used to feel that way, what happened? We were so close before…

As a child I had a deep connection with God, I prayed every night, attended bible camps at the park, never even so much said a curse word.  It made me feel secure, no matter what happened I knew he was there.  Things got rocky, divorce, my older brother leaves with my father, who then proceeds to have two more sons, I’m suddenly the man of the house.  I told you before, about my growing identity crisis trying to balance being book smart and street smart, I’m more lost and confused as ever, but He was there.  I pushed through.

High school, rough but I made it through, the hood even rougher same results.  I’m an adult now and for the first time I’m introduced to debt,  I have no idea how to pay for school, take care of myself. Socially I’m losing friends and girlfriends I’m feeling dark feelings I never experienced before, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel that same security.  I feel more alone than ever, but I accept the adversity but things continue to pile on.  Forced to take a break from school, can’t find any employment, my mother is diagnosed with cancer, she can’t take care of me she needs someone to care for her.  I have to be the man again.  I need help, I need guidance, I reach out to Him, I no longer feel the security.  She passes, and now I feel anger towards him, I understand that everything happens for a reason but I struggle to find any justification.  Time passes, I try to re-establish relationship,  I pray, I read, it doesn’t feel the same.

So here I am.  I’m not as cynical as I may have been 2-3 years ago but I’m not as blindly secure as I once was.  I think in a way it’s what works for me, I look at someone like “Miss” who has an admirable personal relationship with enormous faith and that’s great, but then I look at others who never set foot in a church outside of a wedding/funeral and they have their own faith.  Even writing this post I feel much better about myself and my faith .  Maybe I’m simply too strong willed, inquisitive and emotional to ever have the connection “Miss” or other family members have? Maybe I still have have some work to do? He knows, I don’t, I guess that’s just his plan…or is it?

-Stan-

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