Solstice, schmolstice…the TRUE end of summer is on Labor Day. You’re in school/fantasy football mode and for most especially here in New England, we fire up that grill one last time. And where’s there’s a grill there’s a bunch of people with paper plates dying to get some free food, we have ourselves a cookout. Now cookouts are either a great time or 15 minutes in you’re ready to pack your plate and be gone. The difference between the two: the 10 cookout commandments (for those keeping score at home I think that’s the 5th Biggie reference on this blog).
Rule Number Uno: Leave your kids at the door- I love kids, I can’t wait to have some mini-mes of my own, however. I dislike them at cookouts, they never eat, you gotta stay on grill duty to make sure they don’t go near it, they always always spill something. Find a babysitter, leave them at home, make them a plate.
Number Two: Bring Something (besides your appetite)- Don’t show up empty handed and leave with 4 plates. You couldn’t get a bag of ice, some cups, anything? Really?
Number Three: Hold your liquor- As bountiful as a cookout feast is, somehow someone manages to get super ultra mega drunk. The Super Ultra Mega Drunk is worst than the kid, they too drunk to eat, you gotta keep them away from the grill and they always always start something. It’s not a frat house, it’s your cousin’s house. Chill.
Number Four: Get your own damn drink- Everyone is chilling talking enjoying themselves, you’re thirsty you get up to grab a beer, suddenly half the yard is just as thirsty and need one. They sit and plot wait for someone to open the cooler just to ask. You just ate 3 burgers, take that walk.
Number Five: No requests- Oh you’re vegetarian, you like your chicken raw (gross), you don’t like your steak to touch the other steaks. You’ll be iight. A small concession here is fine but there’s only so much to ask from the one giving you free food
Number Six: Its a cookOUT keyword OUT- Unless its a rain delay, you have to use the bathroom or you’re actually helping prepare the food, stay yo ass outside. This isn’t a realtor open house don’t just be walking in bedrooms taking naps because you got the itis.
Seven, this one is so underrated: Respect the Griller- Like Number 5, you’re getting free food, sit down somewhere, don’t be telling the griller when to flip, or what you’d do differently. Apologize to Melo 5.
Number Eight: Doggie Bag etiquette- Yes the food was great you want some for work, but limit your take aways unless otherwise asked. Personally I try to get rid of as much as possible but don’t just voluntarily be taking a complimentary 12 pack
Number Nine: Citronella over everything- If you don’t have spray, candles, one of them torch things you’re basically saying you don’t care about your guests.
Number Ten: Clean up Clean up everybody everywhere- When it’s said and done, pick up after yourself, pick up those half open beers you know was yours but let sit there because at the time you wasn’t so sure. Offer to bring something in the house