My all time favorite episode of “Seinfeld” is ‘The Opposite’. No, this isn’t up for debate. I feel just like George in the beginning. Everything I have done up to this point in life has been…well I won’t say wrong…but off. I have always taken the safe approach to things. I chose a business major over art because I felt that it was more bang for my debt. I’ve never done drugs because I don’t like to be out of my consciousness (yet i drink socially so I don’t seem too square #theirony). Lately, I’ve been doing things out of the norm (i.e. this blog, weight loss, saying no) and it’s been to mixed results. Some are supportive, others think I’m changing for the worse. But is it worse for me or them…
For example, “She” resents a lot of things about the “new” me. Although most of my changes have been more about self improvement, she sees herself as a potential trade up. I’ve always been her Mr. Good Enough, attractive enough she didn’t have to justify me to family and friends but not enough she felt threatened. She made more money than me, much more popular, liked me at my lowest basically. Over time, I’ve lost 60 lbs, got a new job, I’m a lot more social, and rather than being happy she only sees competition. The potential is no longer a secret, like a great sale she thought only she knew of she doesn’t want anyone to beat her to it. Suddenly the things she loved about me, irked her now. The tension reached its peak, and it was either her or me. Have you ever loved someone who resents you, not fun at all. However we’ve been together for years, ups and downs, perhaps these feelings will pass and we can go back to what we were. Or maybe I just don’t want to start over, playing it safe.
She isn’t the only one. As I touched on in “Redundacy”, others are feeling left out as well. Like “she”, they feel threatened that others know about their secret sale. Threatened enough to give me grief about it, yes, motivated enough to just make the purchase, no. I remain in the “safe” zone, about half a notch about the friend zone, not taken seriously however not ruled out fully. One in particular, lets call her…”Ms.”, doesn’t want claims or labels but gets jealous like we’re an actual item. “Ms.” says she only wants what makes me happy as long as its not her yet or anyone else for that matter. However, there is a connection there that transcends labels, its perhaps why she deals with me despite knowing of others and why I deal with her knowing her commitment issues. Maybe I should just let her go but I keep her around, playing it safe.
One of the few who seem to be on my side, is “Miss”, who also had her jealous moments but whether its pride or understanding,but hasn’t given me the much grief. BUT She’s also seeing someone now. The old me would’ve fought for her, won her, and then not know what to do next. But I’m going the opposite route, I’m not causing any waves, won’t say a word and let things play out. Yeezy taught me. Then again as I weigh the pros/cons the main pro is a lack of cons. She’s attractive, she’s sweet, she’s compassionate but is she what I want? She’s pretty much me in the other situation, I’m not sure if she can take me seriously, but I’m not sure if I should let it go altogether. Perhaps I want her because I can’t have her? What if we don’t work out and I lose her altogether? Is it worth it? For now I’ll leave it alone, playing it safe.
Which brings me to my question: Is playing it safe keeping options open or settling on someone who may not give you everything you want. What’s the difference between being selfish and standing firm on what you want?